I have to say, I’m not one for meditation (although I should – Lord knows it keeps me calm when I do, and with a 15-year-old girl in the house this summer, I need to remain calm, lest I obliterate her), but I did have long conversations with my husband and lots of time to think on it.

I will not be quitting.

I can’t. I love my job too much. I would ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> So after about a week of debating on the whole issue of quitting, I’ve come to a decision.

I have to say, I’m not one for meditation (although I should – Lord knows it keeps me calm when I do, and with a 15-year-old girl in the house this summer, I need to remain calm, lest I obliterate her), but I did have long conversations with my husband and lots of time to think on it.

I will not be quitting.

I can’t. I love my job too much. I would be lost if I quit. Sure, it would be nice for a while – doing nothing but whatever I wanted to do at all times – but the novelty would wear off, and I would miss it too much. I’m the type of person that must be doing something. If I don’t, I go insane.

So knowing that I will not quit my job then led me to the reasons as to why I was even thinking about doing it. The answer was my lack of time. I have no time to do the other parts of my life that I enjoy. (Or the parts that I don’t, but still need to do… like dishes, and laundry…) THIS is what I need to tackle. My lack of time. And my lack of time stems from my lack of organization, my lack of focus, and my lack of spine (i.e. I can’t seem to say “no,” even when I’m overwhelmed – even when I know if I say “yes” everyone will suffer because I’m spread too thin).

So now I have a goal. I know I don’t want to quit. Now I have to focus on the other three aspects to make that goal a success. My spine, my organization, and my focus. Holy crap – it’s the triad: Body, Mind and Soul. They all three go hand-in-hand, and now I have to find that balance.

It’s a start!

When I was growing up, I had something instilled in me: the drive to never quit. Meaning, if I committed to something, if I promised I would do something, then I would see it through to the end.

I remember when I was in 9th grade, I was a cheerleader. At the beginning of the school year, there were 14 of us on the squad. When “yearbook picture time” rolled around in mid_march, there were three. Everyone quit. Various reasons, really – but ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> I’m tired.

When I was growing up, I had something instilled in me: the drive to never quit. Meaning, if I committed to something, if I promised I would do something, then I would see it through to the end.

I remember when I was in 9th grade, I was a cheerleader. At the beginning of the school year, there were 14 of us on the squad. When “yearbook picture time” rolled around in mid_march, there were three. Everyone quit. Various reasons, really – but mostly because the assistant “coach” was a royal bitch, to say the least. She would tell us all we were fat (and pinch said fat to make her point), and yell at us for eating lunch, or not being flexible enough, etc. etc. She was a terrible teacher, and an even worse cheerleading coach. So most of the girls quit. The first few because of her, and as it progressed, the last few because they were to embarrassed to stay on a cheerleading squad with so few members.

But I signed on for a year. I committed to it. So I stayed.

And I think I’ve discovered the point of this 100 Days challenge: it’s not about what’s right (when it comes to balancing work, etc.)… it’s knowing when to quit.

I’ve quit jobs before, I don’t deny it. I’ve always had a good reason for it, and I’ve always hung on for dear life for as long as I possibly could, to give it second, third, fourth – even fifth chances to try and redeem itself to me. But there was always some catalyst that made me very aware (to the point of no deniability) that it was time to turn in that two weeks’ notice.

I’m hard-pressed to find that catalyst now. All I know is, I’m tired.

I’m so exhausted.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m incapable of anything. I’m tired of feeling like I have to defend every single word I want to say to people who I don’t even know. I’m tired of being so overloaded and so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to start. I’m tired of wanting to do things, but having to stop before I even begin because I have to deal with something else first. I’m tired of comparing myself to how I perceive others to be and find myself falling short from every angle.

Perhaps this bone-deep exhaustion is my catalyst. I am just so weary of it all. But I can’t help feeling that if I quit, I’m failing. What will I do? I don’t know. But the idea is so tempting… I just don’t know if I can.

So what’s happened in the last 12 days? Well, I’ve managed to retain my work-overload. In fact, as I write, this, I’m quite exhausted – I’ve been up for the last three nights pretty late, trying to knock out all the sites I need to finish. I’ve also been walking more than usual – it helps me ot walk while I’m ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> I promised I’d try for once a week. it’s late in that promise, but it’s still within the “once a week” timeline – so win for me!

So what’s happened in the last 12 days? Well, I’ve managed to retain my work-overload. In fact, as I write, this, I’m quite exhausted – I’ve been up for the last three nights pretty late, trying to knock out all the sites I need to finish. I’ve also been walking more than usual – it helps me ot walk while I’m working, and since I’m working extra-long hours – I’m walking extra-long hours too. And this sucks – I’ve fallen back into the old trend of skipping breakfast too (as well as other meals) – so old habits do die hard. I’m stopping this behavior immediately – I will not work after 3pm today, nor will I work over the weekend. Hopefully that’ll be the reset I need ot get me back on track next week.

My birthday was the other day (May 4) – dang I’m old. Every time I think of how old I am, I feel like “Sally” in “When Harry Met Sally” (even though I’ve never actually seen the movie – I’ve only seen that one part which I shall describe right now) where she calls up Harry and tells him she’s gonna be 40.

“When?” he asks.

“Someday!” she sobs.

For me, “someday” is probably closer than it was for her.

Anyway. So hubby went out and got my favorite dinner (sushi) and made me a banana cream pie. Unfortunately, he didn’t know how to make pie crust, and he being the type who likes to buy everything as cheaply as possible, purchased a frozen store-brand pie shell. Apparently it was mismade, because I could taste that pie shell for hours afterwards, and it sat in my stomach like a rock – until I puked it up (along with my sushi!) around midnight.

And weiner that I am, I had to wonder how you counted calories for something you ate, and then upchucked later. I have no idea how that works.

I did a a tarot reading for myself a few days ago – I haven’t done that in a while. I should have written down the cards I pulled, because I can’t remember what they were exactly. But I do remember every time I asked a “clarification question” that was yes or no based, the card I pulled every time was the Ace of Cups – which made me laugh. (And yeah, this was after shuffling between each question – so it’s not like it was in the same spot every time.) but i do recall the meaning of e reading was what I’ve said here – I’m sliding back into old habits, and if I want to move forward and go down the path I want to be on, I need to focus, pay attention to what I’m doing, and the biggest one: don’t be afraid to ask for help. (I’m not a help-asking kind of gal – which is a downfall of mine.)

Anyway, that’s where i am on Day 12. I have no report of the weight-loss thing, because it seems to be stagnant – the scale hasn’t budged in three weeks. However, my pants still keep falling off. I’m thinking perhaps I should start measuring certain body parts, so when the scale doesn’t move, I can see if something else is.

I had jury duty this past week – got called in on St. Patrick’s Day. I ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> Oh, I’m just in a mood to blab today. The winter seems to definitely be over with – it’s been in the 70’s for the last couple of days, and just perfect weather. I think I have spring fever, because I just cannot concentrate on work at all. All I want to do is clean the house and start working on the projects hubby and I have been discussing all winter.

I had jury duty this past week – got called in on St. Patrick’s Day. I swear, getting up at 5:30am should be against the law. I had to leave by 7 so I could make it to the courthouse in downtown Hartford by 8. I thought hubby was nuts to tell me I had to leave an hour early (when it usually only takes me 20 or 25 minutes to get downtown) – until I actually pulled onto 91 – and ho-lee shit. Wow. He was right.

I felt kind of bad because I got dismissed as a juror – but the Rav forums actually made me feel better about it. I know it sounds ridiculously stupid (and Mike thought I was nuts for being even the slightest bit upset that I was dismissed), but I generally pride myself on the ability to be objective and fair. But as the process went on, I discovered the trial was based on a subject I knew fairly well, and I had a bias on. I knew that even if I stayed on the jury, and I knew I would be able to listen and be fair, I would still be biased, so I said something. I hoped I wouldn’t get dismissed for it, but I did, and it stung just a little. I guess I never thought I was the type of person to have bias on something when it had nothing to do with me.

30 Seconds to Mars

That aside, I’m a little hyped because I’m getting ready to do something amazingly fun. There’s so many things involved that are fun, and putting them all together just means it’s going to be something really memorable and exhaustingly… fun. Number one: I’m going to go to a concert. I’ve not been to many concerts in my life, but every time I’ve gone, they’ve been incredibly fun things to attend. There’s nothing like seeing something live. I love to watch football, basketball, baseball, etc., games – but not on TV. All of that commentary and commercials and stuff – it just takes something away from it. But going to something live just turns it into something else. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s not a band that I would consider myself to be a “fan” of – it’s a band I do like, but I’m only familiar with a few of their songs. (So I went to iTunes and downloaded both full albums they have to get better acquainted with them – and so far I’m glad I did.) But that, in and of itself, is just going to be fun.

The Number Two to this fun-filled evening is that the concert is located in a) the House of Blues, and b) in Boston. I’ve only been to Boston once – the fam’ took a trip to the aquarium up there one weekend and it was really cool. Very nice town – at least what I saw of it. So I’m really excited to be able to go see it again. And I’ve never been to a House of Blues before – so this combo seems a little “epic” for poor li’l ol’ me, who doesn’t get out of the house much and just hears about these wonderful places and things.

And the Number Three – the cherry on top – is that I get to go with my sister. Now, you may know that I live far away from my roots. I’m originally from West Virginia, and all of my family is back home. Except my sister – well, the one closest to me in age – she moved away a long time ago to Pennsylvania and has lived here for many years. I now live in CT, and my sister lives pretty much exactly halfway between me and my parents. So she’s still pretty far away from me, just in the opposite direction from where I used to go.

My sister is my BFF – I love her to death, and I just don’t get to see her often enough. She’s a bona fide fan of 30STM, and she got the tickets the day before they were actually set to be on sale to the general public (because she’s a member of the fan club) – and Boston isn’t far from me… so we had no choice. So Boston/House of Blues, to see 30STM, with my sister. This is going to be mega-fun.

I’m also excited because – as mentioned before – I don’t get out of the house much. I run my own business from a home office, and I also take care of the house and raise my two kids. My standard garb is jeans and T-shirts, and the last time I wore makeup was… well to court the other day LOL, but other than that it was probably at my brother’s wedding last year. Even though I am also losing weight too, I still wear clothes that are 3-4 sizes too big because I never go anywhere, so I don’t see any point in getting new stuff, you know? But this is an exception. I’ve been planning.

It’s so geeky.

I’ve finally decided on my outfit, and I’m actually going to make the shirts I plan to wear. I’ve already ordered the fabric, and I cannot wait for it to get here so I can start on it. I’m making this wrap cardigan, which will be layered over this “grandpa” cardigan, which will be layered over a tank top. I got the idea from a British TV series called “Being Human” – and the ghost character wears this exact type of top ensemble. I loved it. I actually found the shop where you could purchase what she’s wearing, but wow. The wrap cardigan alone is about $150 – which was way too expensive. So I decided to make ‘em all. (and no – even though it’s 3 layers, it won’t be hot, I don’t think – it’s really, really thin fabric.)

I’ve also decided to not only get a great par of jeans to go with this, but to have them custom made for myself. Yeah – I’m not kidding. generally, you pay between $16 (Wal-Mart) to $60 (department store) for jeans – and the higher the price, generally the better they are. But I was actually pointed to a website – and it’s been highly discussed in a positive light from several people – where you can take your own measurements, send them in, and they will make a pair of custom jeans for you at a certain base price. The ones I want have a base price of $50 – which is in a “reasonable” range. There’s nothing like having something made to fit just you – so I’ve decided to splurge on them. Even though it’s not really splurging!

I’m also planning to top this whole yummy outfit off with a new pair of boots. Now, hubby will tell you, I’m a freak when it comes to shoes. I swear, it’s the only “female thing” I have that defines me as a female, as far as habits go. I’m usually quite the tomboy, and not a fan of things like handbags (like you could tell – ha!) jewelry, etc. But I flip over shoes. I don’t get boots that often, but when I saw this pair, I just thought they’d be perfect. Not only will they give me some height, but they’re shit-kickers, so they’ll be comfortable too.

So that’s where I’m at on this day, just before the beginning of spring. I’m all excited about the weather, the flowers, and getting to see my sister to have a hell of a fun time in April.

What are you up to?

Then my husband tried it on, and you wouldn’t believe it – the sleeves were too short.

I ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> So I did it. I finally finished it. I actually managed to finish it in the 17 days I was allowed to work on it. I felt kind of guilty though, because I stitched up the last of the seams on the night of the closing ceremonies – I was allowed up until 11:59pm to have it done, and I finished at 11:30pm – so it was really close.

Then my husband tried it on, and you wouldn’t believe it – the sleeves were too short.

I had forgotten that the reason my husband buys his sweaters/shirts/sweatshirts 2 or 3 sizes too big is because of the sleeves. He’s always floating around in what he wears, but he does it because he has long arms – if he gets his own size, it fits him everywhere but the sleeves. I wasn’t payig attention, and was so engrossed in getting it finished before deadline that I forgot to add in the 3″ extra I had planned to make them the right length.

So on Monday, I took the sleeves off. Had to undo the mattress stitch up the sides and around the armholes – which I must say isn’t that easy. It’s hard to find that end to undo it! Then I had to “unbind” the sleeve ends, join in more yarn, and continue knitting the 3 extra inches on each arm. once that was done, I popped them back on, redid the seaming, and I finished it up Wednesday night. Hubby tried it on (and let me take some pictures) and it was perfect. He loves it. He’s all excited to finally have a sweater that fits him all over. (He’s actually wearing it to work today – so he wasn’t just saying he liked it to be nice!)

Anyway, so why do I feel guilty? Because I had to undo it, and it wasn’t fit to wear until Wednesday night – and the Ravelympics were finished last Sunday. However, the lovely people over there said that – because it *was* actually completed on time, it counted. Taking it apart to “Edit” afterwards was okay with them.

So I did finish my first sweater in 17 days, and it came out beautifully. See for yourself!

Why? I dunno. I know there’s some kind of prizes handed out when the Olympics are over (if you’ve finished your project) but I haven’t really paid attention to that. I think the reason is because I’ve been wanting to do something really challenging, and a sweater would be just that. I also work very well under pressure – when I have a deadline, it’s some part of my system that not only do I have to have it done by ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> Yep, I’ve gone and joined it.

Why? I dunno. I know there’s some kind of prizes handed out when the Olympics are over (if you’ve finished your project) but I haven’t really paid attention to that. I think the reason is because I’ve been wanting to do something really challenging, and a sweater would be just that. I also work very well under pressure – when I have a deadline, it’s some part of my system that not only do I have to have it done by that deadline, but I have to have it done before that deadline.

I’ve never knit a sweater before. The Olympics last 17 days. 1 sweater in 17 days.

I’m nuts.

But I’ll be damned if I’m not gonna try!

My husband is way excited about me doing this.

My husband is actually a little excited by this. even thought his friends said to him that they didn’t know he was married to an eighty-year-old woman. (haha – because I knit and sew, and I even knit while I’m in a rocking chair, etc. etc.) Probably because of the choice of sweater. When I first saw a picture of this pattern, I immediately thought of him – it’s just his style. Even the color screams “Mike! You want me!” So I bought the pattern and tried to knit it, and couldn’t. It just wasn’t doing it for me. Maybe it was the yarn I’d originally chosen for the project. But when I saw the Ravelympics were coming, I figured what better chance would I have to force myself into this? So I ordered the yarn, I’ve been getting it ready to go, and on Friday at 9pm EST, I’ll be casting on and knitting it for 17 days.

At the end of the 17 days, he’ll put in the kick-ass sweater and wear it to work, so he can rub what his 80-year-old wife made for him by hand (I need names too – so when we have parties where I cook, I’ll make sure to create something nasty for them!)

Anyway, I’m a little excited about it, and I hope it works out well. First attempt at a sweater – will I go insnae? Or will I actually do it?

We shall see!

I’ve joined the Ravelympics with one project – a sweater I’ve been dying to knit up for my husband. I’ve never knit a sweater before, so I figured this was a good challenge to test myself with. I’ve already got everything for it, and I actually started ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> I’ve been knitting a lot lately. There’s some projects on my Ravelry page that I’ve updated and enjoyed (except one!) doing – but over the last week or so, I’ve started about 10 different projects and ripped them all out.

I’ve joined the Ravelympics with one project – a sweater I’ve been dying to knit up for my husband. I’ve never knit a sweater before, so I figured this was a good challenge to test myself with. I’ve already got everything for it, and I actually started it twice – but again, I’ve ripped it out every time.

I think part of my issue is yarn. The other part is something else that I’m not sure what I can do about.

I have a huge list of projects I really want to tackle. My library has almost 30 PDF files of stuff I want to do (and it’s growing), and I can’t stop browsing the patterns… well anywhere I go to find patterns. I have a stash that I built quickly, when I first began knitting in October. I didn’t know a damn thing about squat, so I just went to Michael’s and loaded up on stuff I could practice with. In the few short months I’ve been knitting, I’ve learned quite a bit: about how I progress, what I do, what holds my interest, and what to knit with. And what I think is really holding me up is my stash – I have a TON of acrylics (in colors I don’t particularly like) and I have a huge wad of cotton. I have a little bit of nice yarn that I’m not quite sure what to do with, and I have a small stash of Fisherman’s Wool that I really like to knit with, but I can’t figure out what to knit with it.

My other issue is designs. I have a TON of knitting pattern designs in my head, but I’m not familiar enough with the process to know what to do with them. If it were a perfect knitting world for me, I could find someone who loves to make patterns but has a lack of design ideas, and hook up with them. I see all sorts of patterns that I almost love – if it just weren’t for this or that thing – but I don’t know how to change it, nor do I know how to come up with something that works on my own (yet).

I need to somehow bust my stash. I need to get rid of all of this crap I started, and get some goodies. I need to start projects that I really want to work on, but haven’t because I’m surrounded by crap that I don’t know what to do with. I’m not a “hoarder”, so I feel like I have to get rid of what I’ve already got before I can go out and buy more stuff.

So that’s where I am right now. I love knitting, but I’m just not feelin’ it right now. I feel like I need to figure something out before I burn out on being stuck.