For the record, I’ve had this blog since 1999, and it’s been through many iterations and versions. Holy cow – that’s 12 years! You think I’d do better than this with it! However, my excuse is that I have another website ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> So over the past few weeks, I’ve had another “epiphany” (if you will.) I doubt anyone who reads this (if there is anyone) is actually anyone who’s read me since the beginning. If so, I applaud you – you are Ghandi-like in your patience.

For the record, I’ve had this blog since 1999, and it’s been through many iterations and versions. Holy cow – that’s 12 years! You think I’d do better than this with it! However, my excuse is that I have another website that I’ve updated with a lot more frequency, and it has a lot bigger audience. Over the past few months, I’ve let it go a bit stagnant – because I’ve actually been posting here. That “other” blog is for my business – and it’s not just a “business website”, it started as a simple foundry for links and code snippets that I didn’t want to lose – but then people started reading it, much to my amazement

It’s hard doing two blogs at the same time. If I’m paying attention to one, then I’m not paying attention to the other. However, I feel it’s necessary because I want to keep my personal life and my business life separated. I don’t feel that strange people (who may want to be future clients) really need to have access to my personal issues. In the same vein, I don’t feel that people who have an interest in my personal life need to be exposed to being “sold to” all the time – even though my other site doesn’t “sell” at all. I still use it as a foundry of code for myself – it just so happens to help others as well.

Anywhoo…

I don’t plan on combining the two sites. I don’t think I ever will – they have the be separate and defined for their respective audiences. BUT. I’ve also discovered – over this past year – that there is some overlap. I’ve also discovered that the more organized I become, the better I am at keeping my audiences happy.

I do want this site to be as successful as my other – and what defines that success is not how many sponsors I have to send me checks (believe me, I have none for this one for good reason – but I have none on the other one because I refuse to place ads on my site that are there solely for the purpose of receiving a check. I MUST believe in the products I put on the site. So it’s not for lack of offers – it’s for lack of quality.) What defines success, for me, is helping others find their way.

Now, I’ve said before that I’m sort of a scatterbrain. I get into a LOT of things. I love learning and doing (and mastering) new things, and then moving on to the next thing. My husband insists that this is what defines me as a genius (his argument is that Leonardo da Vinci was the same way – and he never finished anything, so I must be a genius) – which I take as a nice compliment. But to me, it means I’ll never be a real master of anything. This has been sort of a… bummer?… to me of late. I feel it’s in me to do something great – to be known for one awesome thing that I do, and do well. Others will name several things that they think of when they think of me, but I, myself, can’t name one – except being a disorganized Jill-of-all-trades.

Which is mostly why I’m so scattered on blogging here. Forget the fact that I took this site down a few years ago because someone wanted to use its contents against me in court (which totally blew up in their face, a fact that I smile about when I think of it); but I just feel like, most times, the stuff I have to say that I think is interesting, I dont’ feel anyone else will.

Well screw that. It’s my site.

I’m returning it to me. I don’t know why I ever thought I needed to write for someone else. The reason I started this blog was as a personal journal. Granted, I could just get a notebook and have at it in that, but the kids keep taking it as drawing paper, and many times I forget it somewhere when something cool happens. At least this way, I won’t lose it, and the kids won’t steal it. (And don’t tell me I could just hide it. Ha! I don’t want it hidden anyway. I don’t do this to keep secrets.)

Anyway, I’ve been really into “home decor” lately, because we’ve lived in this house for almost 7 years now, and it’s never been home. I think that’s partly my fault. When my husband and I got married, we bought a house together, and I saw i as our “forever” home. I went all big on making it nice, and just how I wanted it to be. After initial stuff, I began my first major project: I redid the bathroom. I mean I took down walls, got new sinks… you name it. MAJOR reno. When it was done, it was beautiful.

2 weeks later, my husband’s place of work shut down, and we got relocated.

So I’ve been reluctant to “make this house my own,” because I really think that traumatized me a bit. But over the past year, the way this house looks drives me insane. It looks like we’re renting the place. Its always so messy and disorganized, partly because my brain is, but partly because I’ve been too afraid to commit to anything for fear of losing it. but it has to stop.

This house is small, and it has it’s weird issues. But I love it.

With all this “fixing up the house” comes organization, and with the organization and house-fixing (and now budgeting, and coming up with ways to save money) I’ve realized I need to apply this to myself. I dont’ plan to turn this into a huge weight-loss blog, but I do plan on giving that part of this site a little more focus.

And I’m working on a redesign. (when am I not? LOL)

Anyway, just warning you.

I can’t help it.

If my honey actually ever reads this, please don’t think this is a negative reflection upon you. It is not.

See, my honey does the woodworking around here. He’s got all kinds of awesome tools out in the garage, and when I want something, I draw p the plans, and he makes it for me. It’s actually a pretty great system. Back when I was a kid, I use to take shop class, and I loved woodworking ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> I am feeling very frustrated right now.

I can’t help it.

If my honey actually ever reads this, please don’t think this is a negative reflection upon you. It is not.

See, my honey does the woodworking around here. He’s got all kinds of awesome tools out in the garage, and when I want something, I draw p the plans, and he makes it for me. It’s actually a pretty great system. Back when I was a kid, I use to take shop class, and I loved woodworking myself, but it’s been many years since I’ve attempted to use a miter saw or table saw on my own. And since Mike loves doing it so much, I’ve never bothered trying ot take it up again.

However, I’ve mentioned before that when we had our roof done, it seemed to awaken some “design monster” in me. We’ve lived in this house for almost 6 years, and haven’t done a damn thing to it. Part of the reason was lack of time and funds. The other part (which I should finally admit out loud) is because in our old house, I redid the bathroom to what I wanted it to be, and I’ll be damned if Mike didn’t have to get transferred up here to Yankee country almost immediately after we finished the project. So part of me (the crazy part) seems to hink that if I start on projects in this house, then it’ll trigger some grand universal gun that’ll make us have to move again.

But I love this house, and it’s time it actually became a home. I’m tired of looking at the uncontrolled messes in this house, of the mismatched…everything. (And Mike is sick of not having curtains.)

Don’t get me started on the kitchen. I may burst into tears.

So we’ve been doing stuff. I’ve been hoarding from craigslist and eBay, stalking Pinterest and decor blogs (see ‘em all in the sidebar there in the “Decor” section) for ideas and DIY projects. I’ve been using my iPad to lay out each room of the house.

Right now, I have my kids’ rooms designed and laid out, the living room and the kitchen. But I can’t work on any of them until other projects have been completed. And there are a couple of projects I REALLY want to have done – but they won’t be. I’m in that “move!” mode – ready to sprint off and GO, but I can’t.

It’s eternally frustrating.

I can’t think of anything else except what I can do to finally get this going.And until I can get it going, I feel like all I do is think, and I can’t concentrate on anything else. I’m now in that portion of this “Hurry up and wait” process where I’m itching to do something but I can’t figure out what.

::sigh::

I have to go do something before my head explodes.

Anyway, the image (in case you missed it) is this:

It’s from Pottery Barn Kids, and is the “Pink Daisy Garden Bedroom“. (A warning: I don’t know how long that link will be good for.) When I saw it, I knew my youngest would love to have her bedroom look like this. She loves the ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> I probably should have saved the image from my last post to put into this one. However, it was the image that prompted my start of redecorating our house, so I guess it fits.

Anyway, the image (in case you missed it) is this:

It’s from Pottery Barn Kids, and is the “Pink Daisy Garden Bedroom“. (A warning: I don’t know how long that link will be good for.) When I saw it, I knew my youngest would love to have her bedroom look like this. She loves the color pink, and is always dancing around the house, declaring her princesshood. Now I don’t want *exactly* this room, but it’s definitely close. I love the colors and the bed, but I want wainscoting around the room, and I plan do to a better closet organizing system in there, redo the doors for her closet, a chandelier, and a small desk/chair area or built-in bookshelf (or both) for her, as well.

You know what’s funny? I didn’t know Pottery Barn was a real store. I always thought it was some made-up store for the TV show Friends. It wasn’t until a couple of years after the show went off the air that I found out it was a real store.

So, if you missed it, Kate’s room currently looks like this:

Not that great. The “water” theme was my oldest daughter’s idea. This used to be her bedroom, and she wanted a “sea” feel. When we first moved here, she was only 10 or 11, and my husband painted the room with a very light (almost white) beige color. The “waves” were created by starting at the top of the room, and using a light blue mixed with glaze. As I went around the room, I’d add more paint to the glaze to deepen the color. It was pretty cool, but it’s pretty tired at this point – it’s been up there for 6 years, and my “Little Princess” wants something more…. princessy.

The furniture is cheapie Wal-Mart iron-on veneer-over-particleboard crap. I think I dropped all of $250 on the entire set – the bed and two dressers. (There was a nightstand, too – but it’s in another room.) Behind the bed – not quite sure if you can see it – was a headboard my husband made for my oldest daughter. It had doors on the front that opened, so she could store folders, paper, books, etc for schoolwork. She never used it. I finally took it down, but I didn’t have anywhere to put it, so I just kind of shoved the bed up against it.

Now, this Pottery Barn room – what I fell in love with was the room color and the bed/bed linens. To get that bed, the frame itself would cost me close to $800. The bed linens: $89 for the sheets, $99 for the duvet cover, $159 for the quilt (and it’s on freaking sale right now), and $52 for two quilted pillow shams. That’s $400 for just the bed linens. ::choke::

(Just for fun, the rug would be $129; one nightstand is $299, and I’d want two; $59 for the curtains; $79 for one shelf; $84 for the little lamp; $24 for the under-the-bed baskets; and between $12 and $55 for each picture frame; $51 for a gallon of pink paint, $41 for a gallon of primer. Oh, and we’d also want to add the Petal Canopy, but I’d want it in pink, and it’s $99. I may go into a coma.)

Now. We went to Lowe’s yesterday, and bought a can of Valspar Primer (the kind that puts on a heavy coat) and Tulip Petal pink paint. I got both gallon-sized cans for a whopping total of $34. I also looked at the pricing for beadboard wainscoting (which I love), but my husband convinced me that it’s too “bathroomy” looking. We’d need 8 sheets of it, and they’re $20 a sheet. So instead, we’re going for a “box” wainscoting look, which befits a bedroom better. Turns out we can also pull it off cheaper by painting the lower half of the wall white, and popping in the boards. My husband is positive he can make that bed – he plans on buying a couple of sheets of pine or maple (I always liked maple better for some reason) and cutting it into a box. We’ll use the slats from the curent bed to offer support for the new one, and the posts on the bed? Easy-peasy. They’re simple 4×4′s with some half-round detailing, topped off (and bottomed off) with stair railing post caps. He thinks he can build it for around $100.

I also see myself doing some crafty work – which I’m kind of excited about. I have some other ides of how I can get this room “on the cheap,” and if I’m successful, I might be able to talk my husband into a new bathroom. or kitchen. (please, oh Lord, a kitchen.) I will be updating as I go along!

This past year, I’ve been ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> For the first time (in quite a while, I think) where I’m gonna get all “personal.” I’ve entered – yet again – one of my “creative stages”. I tend to do this a lot – ebb and flow in and out on creative bursts of energy. I want to make stuff all the time, and my brain is overloaded with ideas, my sketchbook tries to capture them all, but sometimes my brain moves a lot faster than my fingers and I lose some.

This past year, I’ve been on sabbatical from my job. For those of you (out of all 6 of my readers LOL) who don’t know, I own my own business. I’ve actually worked in this field – for money – for about 12 years now, but I’ve “officially” owned my own business for 8. (I’ve been coding since I was 7, and designing since I was old enough to hold a crayon.) But somewhere along the line, my business started directing me instead of the other way around, and I found myself in a spot I didn’t want to be in.

So I went on sabbatical to think about things, try stuff out, mull stuff over. About a month ago, I finally decided that I wanted to take my business in a new direction, and prepared to follow through on it. But as soon as I started doing it, I lost interest.

Why? I dunno.

I decided to really take the last 3 months of this year off. I was supposed to do that the entire year, but I didn’t. I actually worked a lot this year. I thought by keeping 1 or 2 clients, I could focus on my business, and have a small stream of income for those now-and-again projects. but it seems when i took myself out of the picture, my skills came into HUGE demand, and the 1 or 2 clients ended up giving me a stream of nonstop projects all year long. So my sabbatical was sort of put on the back burner. Which is a pattern with me, it seems – everything I want (or need) to do gets put on the back-burner.

I’ve been better these last 2.25 months though. I have refused several projects, and focused on the holidays and my family. But I now have another project to take on, and I have people contacting me – lining up for me to start work for them after the first of the year.

And I just don’t want to. I can’t “get into it.”

Don’t get me wrong – I adore my job. I love what I do. But the reason I can’t seem to get back into the swing of it is because of this extreme creative streak I’m on. I want to do everything I’m seeing in my head – and everything I’m seeing has little (or nothing) to do with each other, and nothing at all to do with web design. I want to do stuff like create sewing and knitting pattern, make up crafts for people to do at home, find ways to cut costs (and share what I find).

Horrifyingly, it dawned on me last night that I want to be Martha Stewart. After I stopped crying (hehe! I do not like Martha Stewart. I love what she does but, as a person, I find her quite distasteful.) it dawned on me that I could be a better Martha Stewart.

But what’s funny is, I don’t want to be some fancypants “making money from my site” and sharing dumb stuff that no one wants to know about. I guess I just want to be a housewife or something. I don’t know. I just don’t want to deal with demanding clients who expect me to pop smiley faces in my emails every time I correspond with them. I’m a firm disbeliever in “the customer is always right.” And although I enjoy the “connections” I make in social networking, it abhor the seeming need to sell myself all. The. Time. (It’s starting to make me feel like I’m back in high school, actually.)

I’m just a sharing kind of person with varied interests. I love to help people, but I’m too poor to be a philanthropist (which is my dream job – to have so much money that it’s coming out my ears, and supply charities like charity:water and Kiva with more fundage than they can handle.) but I’m so…stuck right now it ain’t funny.

I’m literally drowning in ideas, and I can’t figure out where to start. I HATE that.

Anyway, probably not a good reason to quit my job – but every time I think about doing it, I feel like how Atlas probably would if he just said “F**k it,” and dropped the world.

I started my sabbatical last October, but I was still working my tail off this past year. Insane. So I’ve finished up my last two clients, and I told my husband “That’s it! I’m taking the rest of the year off.”

This last week has been terrible.

No one has needed me, and I’m at a loss because I’m not busy. It’s a very odd thing for me – to have time on my hands. I’m so used ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> So, I’m finally taking time off from work.

I started my sabbatical last October, but I was still working my tail off this past year. Insane. So I’ve finished up my last two clients, and I told my husband “That’s it! I’m taking the rest of the year off.”

This last week has been terrible.

No one has needed me, and I’m at a loss because I’m not busy. It’s a very odd thing for me – to have time on my hands. I’m so used to being stressed out and running around like a chicken with my head cut off – and now it’s nothing but “relaxation” and “time.” It’s stressing me out! LOL

So I’ve now come up with this nice list of stuff I can do for the next 2.5 months. Stuff I’ve been wanting to do for the past year, but haven’t had a chance to.

I’ll be making Halloween costumes for the kidlets – my son wants to be GIR (from Invader Zim) and my daughter wants to be a “Rose Princess,” so I’m making a copy of Christene’s Masquerade ball gown from Phantom of the Opera. I’ve also been diving into creating my own knitting patterns and putting them out for public consumption – I just released my first one last week. (A pair of fingerless gloves that’s gotten an amazing response, IMO.) I’m now working on a prototype for a spring pattern that I’d like to contribute to knitty.com, but I think my imagination is bigger than my skills. (My sister always said I was a “big thinker”…)

But the big thing is my disappointment with my weight loss. Especially this past week – I fear stepping on the scale tomorrow because I did not do well last week at all. I usually walk about 6 hours a day (while I’m working), but I had no work to do, so I didn’t walk.

Up to this point, I’ve been fairly happy with the weight loss. It’s coming off slowly (very slowly) – so it’s driving my doctor nuts and he doesn’t understand why I’m not losing faster than I am, but he says on the good side that means it probably won’t come back – but every time I see myself in the mirror, I’m vastly disappointed. I’ve gone from a size 24 jean to an 18, and 3X shirts to XL. Yet, to me, I still look like I did almost 30 pounds ago.

To top it off, even though we’ve done MAJOR changes in our diet (I’m not kidding) my heart rate has slowed down significantly, my blood pressure has lowered, and the last physical I had (2 weeks ago) showed that I’m in perfect health. Put it this way, the doc said if he didn’t see the number saying how much I weighed, he would have thought (by everything else that came back) that I was a fitness nut. My health couldn’t BE any better.

Well, except for one thing – my cholesterol has gone up by 17 points over the last year – which is crazy. And my husband just found out his acid reflux has returned (I think it’s from stress) so there’s all this stuff he can’t eat. I told him we should just become vegetarians and forget it. Nothing else we eat seems to be good for us. But oh, how I would miss my beloved chicken.

Anyway. I just need to stop looking in the mirror, that’s all there is o it. Because when I’m not, I feel really good, and I think I’m doing well – but then when I see myself, I’m like UGH. And I just want to stop all of this, because I feel like “What’s the point? I’ll never get rid of this.”

But I know I can’t, so I must trudge on.

I have to say, I’m not one for meditation (although I should – Lord knows it keeps me calm when I do, and with a 15-year-old girl in the house this summer, I need to remain calm, lest I obliterate her), but I did have long conversations with my husband and lots of time to think on it.

I will not be quitting.

I can’t. I love my job too much. I would ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> So after about a week of debating on the whole issue of quitting, I’ve come to a decision.

I have to say, I’m not one for meditation (although I should – Lord knows it keeps me calm when I do, and with a 15-year-old girl in the house this summer, I need to remain calm, lest I obliterate her), but I did have long conversations with my husband and lots of time to think on it.

I will not be quitting.

I can’t. I love my job too much. I would be lost if I quit. Sure, it would be nice for a while – doing nothing but whatever I wanted to do at all times – but the novelty would wear off, and I would miss it too much. I’m the type of person that must be doing something. If I don’t, I go insane.

So knowing that I will not quit my job then led me to the reasons as to why I was even thinking about doing it. The answer was my lack of time. I have no time to do the other parts of my life that I enjoy. (Or the parts that I don’t, but still need to do… like dishes, and laundry…) THIS is what I need to tackle. My lack of time. And my lack of time stems from my lack of organization, my lack of focus, and my lack of spine (i.e. I can’t seem to say “no,” even when I’m overwhelmed – even when I know if I say “yes” everyone will suffer because I’m spread too thin).

So now I have a goal. I know I don’t want to quit. Now I have to focus on the other three aspects to make that goal a success. My spine, my organization, and my focus. Holy crap – it’s the triad: Body, Mind and Soul. They all three go hand-in-hand, and now I have to find that balance.

It’s a start!

When I was growing up, I had something instilled in me: the drive to never quit. Meaning, if I committed to something, if I promised I would do something, then I would see it through to the end.

I remember when I was in 9th grade, I was a cheerleader. At the beginning of the school year, there were 14 of us on the squad. When “yearbook picture time” rolled around in mid_march, there were three. Everyone quit. Various reasons, really – but ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> I’m tired.

When I was growing up, I had something instilled in me: the drive to never quit. Meaning, if I committed to something, if I promised I would do something, then I would see it through to the end.

I remember when I was in 9th grade, I was a cheerleader. At the beginning of the school year, there were 14 of us on the squad. When “yearbook picture time” rolled around in mid_march, there were three. Everyone quit. Various reasons, really – but mostly because the assistant “coach” was a royal bitch, to say the least. She would tell us all we were fat (and pinch said fat to make her point), and yell at us for eating lunch, or not being flexible enough, etc. etc. She was a terrible teacher, and an even worse cheerleading coach. So most of the girls quit. The first few because of her, and as it progressed, the last few because they were to embarrassed to stay on a cheerleading squad with so few members.

But I signed on for a year. I committed to it. So I stayed.

And I think I’ve discovered the point of this 100 Days challenge: it’s not about what’s right (when it comes to balancing work, etc.)… it’s knowing when to quit.

I’ve quit jobs before, I don’t deny it. I’ve always had a good reason for it, and I’ve always hung on for dear life for as long as I possibly could, to give it second, third, fourth – even fifth chances to try and redeem itself to me. But there was always some catalyst that made me very aware (to the point of no deniability) that it was time to turn in that two weeks’ notice.

I’m hard-pressed to find that catalyst now. All I know is, I’m tired.

I’m so exhausted.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m incapable of anything. I’m tired of feeling like I have to defend every single word I want to say to people who I don’t even know. I’m tired of being so overloaded and so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to start. I’m tired of wanting to do things, but having to stop before I even begin because I have to deal with something else first. I’m tired of comparing myself to how I perceive others to be and find myself falling short from every angle.

Perhaps this bone-deep exhaustion is my catalyst. I am just so weary of it all. But I can’t help feeling that if I quit, I’m failing. What will I do? I don’t know. But the idea is so tempting… I just don’t know if I can.

So what’s happened in the last 12 days? Well, I’ve managed to retain my work-overload. In fact, as I write, this, I’m quite exhausted – I’ve been up for the last three nights pretty late, trying to knock out all the sites I need to finish. I’ve also been walking more than usual – it helps me ot walk while I’m ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> I promised I’d try for once a week. it’s late in that promise, but it’s still within the “once a week” timeline – so win for me!

So what’s happened in the last 12 days? Well, I’ve managed to retain my work-overload. In fact, as I write, this, I’m quite exhausted – I’ve been up for the last three nights pretty late, trying to knock out all the sites I need to finish. I’ve also been walking more than usual – it helps me ot walk while I’m working, and since I’m working extra-long hours – I’m walking extra-long hours too. And this sucks – I’ve fallen back into the old trend of skipping breakfast too (as well as other meals) – so old habits do die hard. I’m stopping this behavior immediately – I will not work after 3pm today, nor will I work over the weekend. Hopefully that’ll be the reset I need ot get me back on track next week.

My birthday was the other day (May 4) – dang I’m old. Every time I think of how old I am, I feel like “Sally” in “When Harry Met Sally” (even though I’ve never actually seen the movie – I’ve only seen that one part which I shall describe right now) where she calls up Harry and tells him she’s gonna be 40.

“When?” he asks.

“Someday!” she sobs.

For me, “someday” is probably closer than it was for her.

Anyway. So hubby went out and got my favorite dinner (sushi) and made me a banana cream pie. Unfortunately, he didn’t know how to make pie crust, and he being the type who likes to buy everything as cheaply as possible, purchased a frozen store-brand pie shell. Apparently it was mismade, because I could taste that pie shell for hours afterwards, and it sat in my stomach like a rock – until I puked it up (along with my sushi!) around midnight.

And weiner that I am, I had to wonder how you counted calories for something you ate, and then upchucked later. I have no idea how that works.

I did a a tarot reading for myself a few days ago – I haven’t done that in a while. I should have written down the cards I pulled, because I can’t remember what they were exactly. But I do remember every time I asked a “clarification question” that was yes or no based, the card I pulled every time was the Ace of Cups – which made me laugh. (And yeah, this was after shuffling between each question – so it’s not like it was in the same spot every time.) but i do recall the meaning of e reading was what I’ve said here – I’m sliding back into old habits, and if I want to move forward and go down the path I want to be on, I need to focus, pay attention to what I’m doing, and the biggest one: don’t be afraid to ask for help. (I’m not a help-asking kind of gal – which is a downfall of mine.)

Anyway, that’s where i am on Day 12. I have no report of the weight-loss thing, because it seems to be stagnant – the scale hasn’t budged in three weeks. However, my pants still keep falling off. I’m thinking perhaps I should start measuring certain body parts, so when the scale doesn’t move, I can see if something else is.