CandyBill » Life in General

Day 64

Shelly — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 14:53:36 +0000

So after about a week of debating on the whole issue of quitting, I’ve come to a decision.

I have to say, I’m not one for meditation (although I should – Lord knows it keeps me calm when I do, and with a 15-year-old girl in the house this summer, I need to remain calm, lest I obliterate her), but I did have long conversations with my husband and lots of time to think on it.

I will not be quitting.

I can’t. I love my job too much. I would be lost if I quit. Sure, it would be nice for a while – doing nothing but whatever I wanted to do at all times – but the novelty would wear off, and I would miss it too much. I’m the type of person that must be doing something. If I don’t, I go insane.

So knowing that I will not quit my job then led me to the reasons as to why I was even thinking about doing it. The answer was my lack of time. I have no time to do the other parts of my life that I enjoy. (Or the parts that I don’t, but still need to do… like dishes, and laundry…) THIS is what I need to tackle. My lack of time. And my lack of time stems from my lack of organization, my lack of focus, and my lack of spine (i.e. I can’t seem to say “no,” even when I’m overwhelmed – even when I know if I say “yes” everyone will suffer because I’m spread too thin).

So now I have a goal. I know I don’t want to quit. Now I have to focus on the other three aspects to make that goal a success. My spine, my organization, and my focus. Holy crap – it’s the triad: Body, Mind and Soul. They all three go hand-in-hand, and now I have to find that balance.

It’s a start!

Day 57

Shelly — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 20:58:38 +0000

I’m tired.

When I was growing up, I had something instilled in me: the drive to never quit. Meaning, if I committed to something, if I promised I would do something, then I would see it through to the end.

I remember when I was in 9th grade, I was a cheerleader. At the beginning of the school year, there were 14 of us on the squad. When “yearbook picture time” rolled around in mid_march, there were three. Everyone quit. Various reasons, really – but mostly because the assistant “coach” was a royal bitch, to say the least. She would tell us all we were fat (and pinch said fat to make her point), and yell at us for eating lunch, or not being flexible enough, etc. etc. She was a terrible teacher, and an even worse cheerleading coach. So most of the girls quit. The first few because of her, and as it progressed, the last few because they were to embarrassed to stay on a cheerleading squad with so few members.

But I signed on for a year. I committed to it. So I stayed.

And I think I’ve discovered the point of this 100 Days challenge: it’s not about what’s right (when it comes to balancing work, etc.)… it’s knowing when to quit.

I’ve quit jobs before, I don’t deny it. I’ve always had a good reason for it, and I’ve always hung on for dear life for as long as I possibly could, to give it second, third, fourth – even fifth chances to try and redeem itself to me. But there was always some catalyst that made me very aware (to the point of no deniability) that it was time to turn in that two weeks’ notice.

I’m hard-pressed to find that catalyst now. All I know is, I’m tired.

I’m so exhausted.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m incapable of anything. I’m tired of feeling like I have to defend every single word I want to say to people who I don’t even know. I’m tired of being so overloaded and so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to start. I’m tired of wanting to do things, but having to stop before I even begin because I have to deal with something else first. I’m tired of comparing myself to how I perceive others to be and find myself falling short from every angle.

Perhaps this bone-deep exhaustion is my catalyst. I am just so weary of it all. But I can’t help feeling that if I quit, I’m failing. What will I do? I don’t know. But the idea is so tempting… I just don’t know if I can.

Day 50

Shelly — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 14:05:15 +0000

Holy crap! Where’d the time go? Here I am, halfway through the 100 Days, and I’ve only posted twice. I’m terrible. I swear to God I thought I just posted last week, not last month.

Well, it’s been an odd month, that’s for sure. I think some of why I was so distracted is why things have gone downhill. In the last month, my weight loss has gotten off-track. I’m supposed to see my doctor for a checkup next week, and I’m too disappointed in myself to go. I haven’t lost anything. In fact, I’ve gained 5 pounds back. Which totally sucks. However, the odd thing is, I’ve been taking my measurements, and I’ve lost in my boobs and butt. I’m down yet another clothing size.

I’ve also been seriously distracted when it comes to work. I cannot focus. It seems like everything is coming down on me all at once – and when that happens, I tend to just “run away” and do something else. Avoidance.

I’d also like to say it’s funny – when you decide to crack down on yourself and get things in order, the universe seems to toss everything it can at you to upset your progress. WTF is up with that?

I was on a huge, long drive yesterday – we had to go to Pennsylvania and back to get my daughter for her summer visitation.

(As an aside: PA Department of Transportation. WTF is WRONG with you people? I drove for 15 miles, at 5-10 miles an hour, on the interstate in a line of traffic that was a gazillion miles long on a single lane because some fucker in your department forgot to remove the barrels from the road over the weekend. There were NO WORKERS, there was NO EQUIPMENT, there were NO SIGNS, and there was FRESH PAINT on the road, showing that the project was fucking FINISHED. And someone forgot to take the barrels off the road. A typical 10 hour trip – with 2 screaming children in the car, one of which was still potty-training – took us 13 HOURS. I HATE YOU.)

Okay, I couldn’t pass that up. Vent over! Anyway…

So while we were in the car, my husband and I had the unusual circumstance where we could talk to each other. (Thanks to the PA DoT, we had a LONG conversation. I’ll give you half a point + for that. But you’re still in the negative with me.) I’ve been holding in my issues because I felt like there was so much wrong, but I couldn’t even make it all make sense. So I’ve been chewing on stuff for a while without saying anything to him. I bit the bullet last night and just let it all out.

He just reminded me why I love him so much.

I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet, but things are a little clearer now that I’ve gotten it out of my head and out there – which always seems to help, but I always seem to forget. Basically, my dilemma is this: Should I quit my job?

I’ve never quit a job I liked. I’ve quit jobs before, but I always had a good reason. Said reasons usually involved your standard reasons: asshole boss who treated you like a dog-poop mat, being underpaid, sexual harassment, etc. This time, it’s not the case. I am the boss this time. And I love my job. I adore what I do. I cannot tell you how much I love it. Even when I’m stressed out over clients, I still love it. I’ve often had feelings that maybe I should quit, but I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I did. Plus, I’ve put SO MUCH time and money and effort into this business – it feels like giving up if I quit. It feels like a waste.

BUT…

My home life is being affected. I’m a workaholic. I get so excited by stuff that runs through my head that I cannot discipline myself into keeping set hours. Passion (and damn good ideas) does not occur between the hours of 9 am and 5 pm, Monday through Friday. My youngest kids are at the age now where they really need me. I’m so tired of saying “In a minute, honey – mommy is working.” And there’s just so much stuff i want to do that’s NOT work-related, and I cannot, because work consumes everything.

So I started thinking of it like a drug addiction. My work is my drug. I love it, and I don’t want to give it up. But it’s affecting everything else in my life, and leaving me to feel empty inside – unless I’m doing it.

So hubby has helped me a bit by making suggestions. He thinks I should finish up the last 2 projects I have in my queue, and just not do ANYTHING work-related for the entire summer. If it works out well, and I am happier, then he thinks I should quit. He’s even offering up suggestions on how I can return at a later date (or just stick solely with one client that gives me light work very now and again so I’m not totally out of the loop.)

But that’s where I’m at right now – with a seriously supportive and loving husband, and trying to figure out if this truly is the right step to take. I went on sabbatical to try and figure out how to make my business move along better with my life – and it’s surprising to me right now that the road doesn’t seem to lead in that direction. It’s a little confusing… but at the same time, the idea is very refreshing, liberating, and tempting.

Day 12

Shelly — Fri, 07 May 2010 16:26:20 +0000

I promised I’d try for once a week. it’s late in that promise, but it’s still within the “once a week” timeline – so win for me!

So what’s happened in the last 12 days? Well, I’ve managed to retain my work-overload. In fact, as I write, this, I’m quite exhausted – I’ve been up for the last three nights pretty late, trying to knock out all the sites I need to finish. I’ve also been walking more than usual – it helps me ot walk while I’m working, and since I’m working extra-long hours – I’m walking extra-long hours too. And this sucks – I’ve fallen back into the old trend of skipping breakfast too (as well as other meals) – so old habits do die hard. I’m stopping this behavior immediately – I will not work after 3pm today, nor will I work over the weekend. Hopefully that’ll be the reset I need ot get me back on track next week.

My birthday was the other day (May 4) – dang I’m old. Every time I think of how old I am, I feel like “Sally” in “When Harry Met Sally” (even though I’ve never actually seen the movie – I’ve only seen that one part which I shall describe right now) where she calls up Harry and tells him she’s gonna be 40.

“When?” he asks.

“Someday!” she sobs.

For me, “someday” is probably closer than it was for her.

Anyway. So hubby went out and got my favorite dinner (sushi) and made me a banana cream pie. Unfortunately, he didn’t know how to make pie crust, and he being the type who likes to buy everything as cheaply as possible, purchased a frozen store-brand pie shell. Apparently it was mismade, because I could taste that pie shell for hours afterwards, and it sat in my stomach like a rock – until I puked it up (along with my sushi!) around midnight.

And weiner that I am, I had to wonder how you counted calories for something you ate, and then upchucked later. I have no idea how that works.

I did a a tarot reading for myself a few days ago – I haven’t done that in a while. I should have written down the cards I pulled, because I can’t remember what they were exactly. But I do remember every time I asked a “clarification question” that was yes or no based, the card I pulled every time was the Ace of Cups – which made me laugh. (And yeah, this was after shuffling between each question – so it’s not like it was in the same spot every time.) but i do recall the meaning of e reading was what I’ve said here – I’m sliding back into old habits, and if I want to move forward and go down the path I want to be on, I need to focus, pay attention to what I’m doing, and the biggest one: don’t be afraid to ask for help. (I’m not a help-asking kind of gal – which is a downfall of mine.)

Anyway, that’s where i am on Day 12. I have no report of the weight-loss thing, because it seems to be stagnant – the scale hasn’t budged in three weeks. However, my pants still keep falling off. I’m thinking perhaps I should start measuring certain body parts, so when the scale doesn’t move, I can see if something else is.

100 Days

Shelly — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 13:03:02 +0000

So, I used to do this thing called the “100 Days Challenge,” which was based off of the stuff you found in the book “The Secret.” I’m not going to get all into the meaning of “The Secret” and the stuff that people talk about (controversy) over it. Honestly, I’ve never read the book, and I probably never will because it’s not my style of reading material. But the challenge I was involved in (that was based on this book) was really interesting, and some of it I do believe works.

From the group, I understood the basis of the book was not “wish for something and you get it,” as I see a TON of people reporting it to be. That’s a misconception – at least from the experiences I was involved in. The basic idea – again, for this group – was that yes, you wish for something. But you don’t sit back and wait passively for it to come to you. You make it happen for yourself. And by stating that “wish,” and proceeding to open yourself up to watch for the situations and opportunities that present themselves so you can actively play a part in making that wish come true, it will.

It was based on the idea that there are no coincidences, and sort of “the butterfly effect,” that every decision you make and every action you take sets out a ripple in the world that affects everyone and everything in it – which is something I already do believe happens. I think the “wish making” (otherwise known as “setting your intentions”) is sort of a psychological thing, you telling yourself in an authoritative manner that this is what you want, and by God, you’re gonna get it. The action of making that intention tangible sort of tells your brain that this isn’t some random thought in your head, or a dream that will never come true, and it sort of steels your nerve to make it happen for yourself.

I just wanted to give you that little bit of back-story there, so you understand I’m not just “wishing” for stuff and waiting for it to happen. I’m more of the “wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up faster” camp.

I did pretty well on the challenge, when I participated. Not as well as I’d wanted to, but I did all right. Unexpected things did happen, and made me believe that when you set your mind to it, and open your eyes to watch for those opportunities, things do happen. You make your own luck. It was fun to try it in a short span of time and actually see it occur.

So. Here I am. I am not advocating “The Secret,” (again, I’ve never read it, and don’t care to) I just wanted you to know the basis of what I’m about to share with you.

I’m going to do the challenge again.

I’m not doing it with the group I was involved with before. The ladies that run the group are…. well they’re nice ladies. Very enthusiastic. But I’ll put it this way: I’m NOT a morning person. I have my days (and no, not just when I’m PMSing) where I’d like to tear someone’s head off. It’s kind of annoying to hear the soothing voices of the Holy Trinity there tell me that I’m pissed because it’s my fault I let someone piss me off. Whatever. Some days I must cave into non-happy moods, and wallow in my failures. That’s called life. And I am NOT an over-sensitive-to-others kind of person, either. I believe in the Golden Rule. Some people don’t. The people that don’t tend to not get me. The people that do do. Those are called friends. If you’re not my friend, I really don’t care what you think.

“The people that mind don’t matter, and the people that matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss

So, I’m not joining in with that group of people again. But I will be doing this for myself.

Now I’ve tried to start this 100 Days Challenge on my own before, and I usually fail at it – typically I’m good for the first week or so and then next thing you know the whole 100 Days has blown by and I’m sitting there like “Crap. I missed it.” But I’m going to give it another shot. I am not going to promise myself that I will post something every single day. I already know I can’t make that (and my life isn’t that interesting anyway). But I can challenge myself to post something once per week. Surely something interesting will happen once a week, right?

But the main goal of this challenge, for me…. my “wish” if you will… is to continue on with a goal I’ve already set myself on, but have not fully realized my potential in attaining it: weight loss.

My doctor is happy with my progress (Have you ever seen a middle-aged doctor with a salt-and-pepper beard cheer? Yeah. I have. You can’t unsee that shit.) but he could be happier. I’m losing, but I’m losing v e r y s l o w l y. He thinks I can do better. I have another appointment in about 2 months (at the end of June), and I know he’d like to see around 20 pounds gone. Not necessarily exactly 20, but somewhere in that range. I’d like to surprise him with some semblance of success – because thus far, I’ve been coming to him every 3 months with around a 6-8 pound loss.

So, if I begin my challenge today, April 26, 2010, it will end on August 4, 2010 – with my checkup just after day 50, so halfway in. So maybe I can lose about 15 pounds by then – and roughly 30 by the time the challenge ends. That would be cool. That would put me at just barely 20 pounds over what I weighed on my wedding day, and only 35 pounds away from my goal.

Yes, I just did that annoying math for all of you to see LOL

Another goal I have is in regards to my business. I took a sabbatical this year to focus on the direction I want to go in for my business, and I haven’t done squat yet. All good intentions on the road to hell. So I want to focus more on my direction for that, so i can start the new year in full swing, and down the path I want to take.

So there we have it. Today is my Day 1. Let’s just see how this goes!

Spring Fever

Shelly — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 21:10:58 +0000

Oh, I’m just in a mood to blab today. The winter seems to definitely be over with – it’s been in the 70’s for the last couple of days, and just perfect weather. I think I have spring fever, because I just cannot concentrate on work at all. All I want to do is clean the house and start working on the projects hubby and I have been discussing all winter.

I had jury duty this past week – got called in on St. Patrick’s Day. I swear, getting up at 5:30am should be against the law. I had to leave by 7 so I could make it to the courthouse in downtown Hartford by 8. I thought hubby was nuts to tell me I had to leave an hour early (when it usually only takes me 20 or 25 minutes to get downtown) – until I actually pulled onto 91 – and ho-lee shit. Wow. He was right.

I felt kind of bad because I got dismissed as a juror – but the Rav forums actually made me feel better about it. I know it sounds ridiculously stupid (and Mike thought I was nuts for being even the slightest bit upset that I was dismissed), but I generally pride myself on the ability to be objective and fair. But as the process went on, I discovered the trial was based on a subject I knew fairly well, and I had a bias on. I knew that even if I stayed on the jury, and I knew I would be able to listen and be fair, I would still be biased, so I said something. I hoped I wouldn’t get dismissed for it, but I did, and it stung just a little. I guess I never thought I was the type of person to have bias on something when it had nothing to do with me.

30 Seconds to Mars

That aside, I’m a little hyped because I’m getting ready to do something amazingly fun. There’s so many things involved that are fun, and putting them all together just means it’s going to be something really memorable and exhaustingly… fun. Number one: I’m going to go to a concert. I’ve not been to many concerts in my life, but every time I’ve gone, they’ve been incredibly fun things to attend. There’s nothing like seeing something live. I love to watch football, basketball, baseball, etc., games – but not on TV. All of that commentary and commercials and stuff – it just takes something away from it. But going to something live just turns it into something else. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s not a band that I would consider myself to be a “fan” of – it’s a band I do like, but I’m only familiar with a few of their songs. (So I went to iTunes and downloaded both full albums they have to get better acquainted with them – and so far I’m glad I did.) But that, in and of itself, is just going to be fun.

The Number Two to this fun-filled evening is that the concert is located in a) the House of Blues, and b) in Boston. I’ve only been to Boston once – the fam’ took a trip to the aquarium up there one weekend and it was really cool. Very nice town – at least what I saw of it. So I’m really excited to be able to go see it again. And I’ve never been to a House of Blues before – so this combo seems a little “epic” for poor li’l ol’ me, who doesn’t get out of the house much and just hears about these wonderful places and things.

And the Number Three – the cherry on top – is that I get to go with my sister. Now, you may know that I live far away from my roots. I’m originally from West Virginia, and all of my family is back home. Except my sister – well, the one closest to me in age – she moved away a long time ago to Pennsylvania and has lived here for many years. I now live in CT, and my sister lives pretty much exactly halfway between me and my parents. So she’s still pretty far away from me, just in the opposite direction from where I used to go.

My sister is my BFF – I love her to death, and I just don’t get to see her often enough. She’s a bona fide fan of 30STM, and she got the tickets the day before they were actually set to be on sale to the general public (because she’s a member of the fan club) – and Boston isn’t far from me… so we had no choice. So Boston/House of Blues, to see 30STM, with my sister. This is going to be mega-fun.

I’m also excited because – as mentioned before – I don’t get out of the house much. I run my own business from a home office, and I also take care of the house and raise my two kids. My standard garb is jeans and T-shirts, and the last time I wore makeup was… well to court the other day LOL, but other than that it was probably at my brother’s wedding last year. Even though I am also losing weight too, I still wear clothes that are 3-4 sizes too big because I never go anywhere, so I don’t see any point in getting new stuff, you know? But this is an exception. I’ve been planning.

It’s so geeky.

I’ve finally decided on my outfit, and I’m actually going to make the shirts I plan to wear. I’ve already ordered the fabric, and I cannot wait for it to get here so I can start on it. I’m making this wrap cardigan, which will be layered over this “grandpa” cardigan, which will be layered over a tank top. I got the idea from a British TV series called “Being Human” – and the ghost character wears this exact type of top ensemble. I loved it. I actually found the shop where you could purchase what she’s wearing, but wow. The wrap cardigan alone is about $150 – which was way too expensive. So I decided to make ‘em all. (and no – even though it’s 3 layers, it won’t be hot, I don’t think – it’s really, really thin fabric.)

I’ve also decided to not only get a great par of jeans to go with this, but to have them custom made for myself. Yeah – I’m not kidding. generally, you pay between $16 (Wal-Mart) to $60 (department store) for jeans – and the higher the price, generally the better they are. But I was actually pointed to a website – and it’s been highly discussed in a positive light from several people – where you can take your own measurements, send them in, and they will make a pair of custom jeans for you at a certain base price. The ones I want have a base price of $50 – which is in a “reasonable” range. There’s nothing like having something made to fit just you – so I’ve decided to splurge on them. Even though it’s not really splurging!

I’m also planning to top this whole yummy outfit off with a new pair of boots. Now, hubby will tell you, I’m a freak when it comes to shoes. I swear, it’s the only “female thing” I have that defines me as a female, as far as habits go. I’m usually quite the tomboy, and not a fan of things like handbags (like you could tell – ha!) jewelry, etc. But I flip over shoes. I don’t get boots that often, but when I saw this pair, I just thought they’d be perfect. Not only will they give me some height, but they’re shit-kickers, so they’ll be comfortable too.

So that’s where I’m at on this day, just before the beginning of spring. I’m all excited about the weather, the flowers, and getting to see my sister to have a hell of a fun time in April.

What are you up to?

Genius Procrastinator at Work

Shelly — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 15:59:57 +0000

Leonardo da Vinci - Study of Human Skull

Leonardo da Vinci was a great artist and inventor, and it was said he was a great genius. The Boston Museum of Science (as well as many others, but I figured I’d give you a real reference!) said that “Leonardo’s interests were so broad, and he was so often compelled by new subjects, that he usually failed to finish what he started.” This little factoid about da Vinci is why my husband thinks I’m a genius, and why every boss I’ve ever had thinks I’m incompetent.

I will admit that I do have some similarities to Leonardo da Vinci, as I’m sure a lot of other people have (I love my hubby, and he’s so sweet, but just because I have a few similarities doesn’t make me a genius): I start a lot of things and never finish them. I get swept up in learning something new, and if something else new comes along before I finish new #1, I’ll drop the ball on it. I’ve always done that.

I’ve always said that if I could choose my perfect “dream job” for myself, if I could do anything I wanted to do, without any limits or restrictions, my perfect “job” would be to become a permanent student. As the illustrious Trent Reznor once penned: “I wanna go everywhere, I wanna do everything… I wanna do something that matters.”

Yes, I left out a little bitty line, because that particular one doesn’t really apply.

There is so much to know and to learn, I just don’t know how anyone could ever want to stop. I love learning new things. I love trying things out. And honestly, I don’t mind failure. I learn the most from my failures. Although I’d love to “do it right the first time,” I never expect I will – I always expect I’ll fail the first time. That’s okay with me.

Right now, I’m finding myself on a creative streak. I think it’s because I’ve finally finished all of the at-work projects (that were supposed to be completed October 1) and I truly find myself finally enjoying my sabbatical. I have a lot of time on my hands – and as expected, at first I had no idea what I was going to do. So I started cleaning. That didn’t last long (I have 2 kids under the age of 6. They sort of followed along right behind me and messed up what I’d just cleaned.), so I started focusing on my knitting projects. Which led to sewing projects.

Last night, I was up until 1am, sketching out bag designs. I’ve become bag-obsessed over the last month. My sketchbook is becoming filled with ideas, and I want to make them all. I was going to fabric sites on the internet and picking out fabrics and notions I wanted to use in my designs. (I so wanted to hit that “add to cart” button on one of them…) My husband is becoming worried about the size of my “stash” – both fabric and yarn.

Now I’m a genius with an addictive personality. (To which I said, “At least it’s not alcohol or gambling.”)

What gets me is, I hate bags. If you ever met me on the street, you would see that I do not carry one. I haven’t since high school, when I had two purses stolen, right off me. (Oh, and a third that was taken from my car. And the one at the hotel bar – that a year later my driver’s license was returned to me, but all my credit cards and cash were not.) I carry the necessities in my pocket. I’ve yet to be pickpocketed though, which is probably why I feel safer with it in my jeans than I do in something hanging on a strap off my shoulder.

And yet, here I am, designing them in my little sketchbook – over and over. I can’t get them out of my mind, and I want to make every single one of them. But then what the hell would I do with them?

Then we move back to knitting. OMG – patterns are like sex to me. (okay, maybe not like sex…. more like chocolate, I guess.) I go through pattern after pattern and wonder, can I knit that up in a night? Then I start trying to do someone else’s pattern and find myself altering it. Not for resizing or anything, but seriously changing it into something brand-new. Then again, I find myself wanting to knit everything I see – but what would I do with it all?

So I stop, and wait, and sketch, and wonder.

And procrastinate.

Right now, I’m at the point in my creativity where the proverbial smoke comes pouring out of my ears. I have so many ideas right now, my hands are developing carpal tunnel from trying to keep up, and I’m burning paper by sketching so fast. And the procrastination comes in because I don’t know where to begin, nor do I know what I would do with all of it once I’ve finished a project.

You know. If I do.