CandyBill » Fitness

Frustration.

Shelly — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 13:01:07 +0000

I really do like the P90X stuff, however, it’s tiring. Not in “well, DUH, it’s exercise” kind of tiring, but in the repetitiveness of it. That, and the fact that pretty much everyone I know who’s on it has dropped weight like crazy.

Except me.

I’ve actually gained weight.

Now, before you tell me “muscle weighs more than fat” and I should take measurements – I have. I have patiently been waiting for that miracle everyone keeps whispering in my ear – that initially, the scale might go up (see cliché above), but they’ve all told me I should see something – anything – between days 60-80.

We’re on day 70-something, and guess what? I’ve gained 5 pounds, and my measurements have not changed.

And now I have people telling me that I must be doing something wrong – not counting everything I eat, or not “bringing it” with the exercise.

Well I admit – the last couple of weeks, I’ve stopped the P90X (because I feel like I’m doing a crapload of work for nothing), but I’ve been running every day. So it’s still exercise. And still. nothing is happening. I’m still in my size 22 jeans, still have flab all over the place, still look the same.

If I have to explain to one more person that I am doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing, and they tell me I must not be, I’ll punch them in the face.

I have never been more frustrated about this than I am right now. I’ve been working my ass off since mid-February, counting calories like crazy, watching everything I do, forcing myself to exercise on days I don’t want to – and NOTHING has changed. Nothing. I’m exactly like I was back in February when I started.

I now have slightly less than one year to lose the weight I want to lose. I’m using next year’s anniversary gift (a trip to Europe) as my motivation. I don’t want to be walking through the streets of Santorini looking like a “typical fat American slob” and wondering how many people I gross out just by being present. I want to go and enjoy myself.

I’m so tired of being judged.

I should be down at least 10 pounds by now, and nothing.

I just don’t understand.

And don’t get me wrong – I love my sister to death (who’s not down to a size 5 jeans), but she’s so damn perky about the whole thing. I love her, and I’m glad she’s there for me, but I don’t think she “gets” this. She tells me I need to log my food (I do – just not online) and just “push through this” – but I’m just so tired of pushing. I mean, really – if you stand there and push on the Great Wall of China for years, it’s still not going to freaking move. At what point do you give up?

I feel like giving up – this is crushing me. But I don’t want to – because something has to work. It worked before, once. I don’t understand why it’s not working now. And this is really the first time I’ve whined about it – because I feel like whining about it makes me sound exactly how I feel.

I do like P90X. I do feel great while I’m doing it. And I like feeling great. But something’s not right here. I just wish I knew what it was.

P90X

Shelly — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 19:15:01 +0000

My sister got me started on P90X almost 3 weeks ago. I have lots of friends who have done it over the years and extoll its virtues, but no one ever actually convinced me to plop down the $$ it takes for the system and start doing it.

A quick note here for “transparency” purposes: I am not being compensated in any way to talk about this program. They don’t even know I’m writing this post. This is ALL ME.

Now, I’ve expressed my frustration before at the weight not coming off, and how I get bored with whatever I’m doing, blah blah blah. I think I’ve also mentioned that I’ve suspected – for a long time now – that I haven’t been eating enough – which is counter to what most people say: if you want to lose weight, eat less. (If I hear “calories in, calories out” one more time, I’ll kill someone.) My doctor’s only explanation to me about why I’m not losing weight is that I’m eating too much. Yet when I show him my logs of what I eat (and how much) he says I’m lying. For the last three years, I’ve stuck with a 1200-calorie diet (even on days when I exercise), which according to him, means I should be down to 120 by now. So I must be lying.

I’m not.

Sometimes I just want a new doctor.

I’ve also been suffering from migraines – nasty, filthy, dirty migraines – for the last few years. It didn’t dawn on me until today that the two had a relationship with each other.

Anyway, so my sister convinces me (and my husband) to go on P90X. We figured, it’s 90 days. It’s exercise. The worst that could happen is we pull a muscle. So we did it.

I have to say. I’m happy with it. Tony Horton (the dude who is your coach) is a TOTAL DORK. No lie. I love dorks. But I’m serious – the guy isn’t this meathead who is all into “no pain, no gain” and yelling at everyone to move, move move! And the people you see on the screen aren’t these beautiful people who look perfect and barely break a sweat (which is probably sprayed on with a water bottle) and making you feel inferior because you can’t keep up. Nope. He’s a massive dork, and his advice is simply to do the best you can. That’s really the first time I’ve ever watched ANY exercise video and the coach has said that. When he tells you to “push yourself” he’s not telling you to do it to their level he’s insisting you do it to yours.

I really like that.

I’ve noticed, just in the last couple of weeks, that even though I still can’t do the stuff they do on the screen, I’ve already improved myself. For example, the Ab exercises he has you do. The first time I did that video, I could only do from 2-8 reps each exercise. But you do them every other day, and when I did them yesterday, I found myself doing all of them at 12 reps each. A couple of them I could even do 15. It surprised me. It also tells me I’m improving.

Now, I haven’t noticed anything fitting better, nor have I dropped much weight (I’ve lost 3 pounds in the last 2 weeks), but what I have noticed is how I feel. I feel a TON better than I did 3 weeks ago. I’m usually ready for a nap at 2:30 in the afternoon, but I haven’t felt that once (except today, and I have good reason for that) since I started doing this.

My sister also insisted I eat more. She told me I needed to start eating at least 1780 calories a day (almost 600 more than I’ve been easting in the last three years), and on workout days, close to 2000. It’s been tough to actually un-train myself from eating only 1200 a day. but I’ve been doing it. And – like I said – I’ve lost 3 pounds so far. Not only that, but I haven’t had a single migraine either.

Now I’ll tell you ho this migraine revelation came about (and why I’m tired today). I got some really, really bad news on Monday night. I won’t go into details, but I will say that it involved a late-night call from my dad, and it’s he worst news you can get about someone. So even though I worked out Monday, the rest of the week is shot (especially since we have to travel for the weekend in relation to this news). Yesterday, I was so busy getting the travel plans and assorted other preparations ready that I slipped back into the old methods of not eating, and I didn’t get a chance to exercise either. This morning, I woke up with a migraine. I entered in all my food in my log (from yesterday) and found I had only eaten 1100 calories. After a discussion with my sister (also a longtime migraine-sufferer) she realized she hasn’t had any migraines, since she started in December, either.

Anyway. I know I haven’t updated this section of my site in a while, but I just wanted to share that this one seems to be working. Not only do I feel a lot better, I can feel myself getting stronger, and I feel like – in a few months – I’ll actually be looking better. And I love that I’m eating more food again. Years of eating 1200-a-day (and being told you’re doing something wrong) just doesn’t make you feel good, no matter what weight you’re at. it’s an expensive program, I think – but once you get past that barrier, it really is worth it.

I’ve decided…

Shelly — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 13:31:42 +0000

I’ve stopped and started my diet and exercise regimen several times in the past, to no avail. I’ve yo-yo’ed on the same 20 pounds for the last 2 years. Lose it, gain it, lose it, gain it. I’m so tried of it.

For some reason, this morning, I woke up and it’s like someone scrubbed my brain. I’m tired of this crap. I’m tired of this weight hanging on me, and I’m tired of coming up with excuses for putting off what needs to be done to get rid of it.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve finally found an exercise I really enjoy doing – maybe that’s the key. I don’t know. (for the record, it’s this. I haven’t enjoyed running/walking so much since I was in track in high school.) But last night, I was reminded that we were supposed to go to Disney this past summer, and stuff got messed up so we couldn’t. But we plan on going next summer. And I’m tired of taking vacations in places where I can hide my rolls (which I have named “Peter, Paul and Mary”). Florida, in the summer, is NOT a place to be wearing jeans and oversized tees in dark colors. I’m tired of skipping the Superman ride at Six Flags because I’m afraid they won’t let me on it (or rather, they’ll let me on it, then kick me off so I can stand on the other side as the rid pulls away with a gazillion strangers standing on the other side and judging me. I’ve seen it happen.)

I’m tired of being judged, period.

I’m done.

I don’t know WHAT kicked in – perhaps it’s the realization that truly, it’s not that hard to do. The really difficult part is DOING IT. I don’t need a fancy-schmancy diet plan, or weekly weigh-ins. I just need a little determination. I quit smoking, cold turkey. I should EASILY be able to do this.

I already know that my diet is fine. I’ve been logging what I eat for a couple of years now. The foods I eat are already healthy – so that’s not a problem. But I need to do better on the portion control, and if I pre-make snacks, then I won’t eat the quick stuff.

But what I do plan on changing – and it’s simple, really:

Drink more water. I do really well with this when I already have my daily stock of water in the fridge, ready to go. For some reason, if it’s not, I don’t drink water.
Smaller portions.
Pre-make snacks (that my kids won’t eat before I get to. And they will. I need to hide them.)
The BIG one: work out. This, I already do, but intermittently. I need to get on a schedule. The one I think will work is my Lolo workout. Do it every day. Every other day, do it twice a day. on non-double days, join my husband in the Bowflex workout he does.
Get more sleep. Since the time change, this has actually not been an issue!

#4 is the tough one. But I know it’s what will make this work. So no more excuses. it’s an hour – maybe two – out of my day. That’s NOT that much time, and I can spare it. I need to stop thinking of reasons why I can’t. Because there’s NO REASON why I can’t. I may not want to, but it’ll do me good.

Like smoking, the first three days are the hardest. If I can make it through the first three days, I should be able to make it through the following 25.

And 28 days makes a habit.

Wish me luck!

I have a goal!

Shelly — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 14:27:23 +0000

So, I do much better with weight loss when I have a specific goal in mind. I dropped over 80 pounds for my wedding, and it wasn’t really all that hard when I thought of the payoff. It really motivated me. I gained it all back (and then some) when I had my kids, and even though I know I can lose it, the only motivation for me was that I was just tired of looking like this. It’s motivation, yes – but I’m not a vain person. I look how I look, and mostly, I’m happy with it. So although I’d like to lose the weight, it’s not enough motivation for me to really work at it.

However, now I have some serious motivation.

My grandpa was in WWII. He lied about his age so he could join up after Pearl Harbor. Family rumors abound about what his job was during the war – but everyone agrees on one thing: he was in Patton’s army. The most believable tale is that he was a sniper. (Every time I watch “Saving Private Ryan”, I think of Grandpa when I see Pvt. Daniel Jackson, because I can so see my Granda behaving like that. Praying to God every time he took a shot, and really believing he was doing what was right.) It’s believable because my grandpa is a REALLY good shot – having been raised in the back woods of West Virginia, and he’s farmed and hunted all his life.

Grandpa does NOT talk abou this time in the military. he’ll admit he was in it, he’ll admit he was in WWII, and he’ll et anyone have his military info for purposes of obtaining college scholarships. But that’s where it ends. He refuses to divulge much more info than that. All he’ll say is that it was a time of his life that he doesn’t want to remember – he saw things he never wants to speak of, and saw a part of humanity that he never, ever wants to acknowledge again.

Aside from that, the only other thing he says is that he loved Italy. He said he was there for a very brief time, and he adored every moment of it. He would give anything to return to Italy. The way he talks about this country is glorious. Because of him, I’ve always wanted to go. (If I can take him, I so want to – if he’d go. He’s been quite sad since grandma died in 2000.) Seeing photos of Italy only makes me want to go all the more.

I had an opportunity to go about three years ago – my mom, dad and youngest brother and sister decided to spend Christmas in Europe. They hit Paris, London and a whole bunch of Italy. My husband and I were invited to come along, but at the time, my kids weren’t even in school yet, and were way too young to handle a trip like that. We had also been in CT for only a couple of years, and didn’t know anyone well enough to be willing to let them take the kids for 2 weeks… so we passed.

Sadly.

I’ve always told my husband that out 10-year anniversary is going to be a big one. I’ve said, over and over, that the Kentucky Derby falls on my birthday for the first time in many years, and I want to spend my birthday wearing a big hat and watching the races. And I wanted to take a trip to Italy.

My husband just told me over the weekend that we WILL go. We’re going to start saving, scrimping and getting stuff together to make it happen. I’m so giddy I could cry.

So, now I have a goal. A MAJOR one. The trip will happen in April/May of 2013. It’ll be our 10th wedding anniversary, and my 40th birthday. I have a little less than 2 years to drop the weight I want to let go of.

I can SO do this.

So I did it.

Shelly — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 23:05:30 +0000

I did what I promised myself, and I tracked my food. That’s ALL I promised myself I’d do. And I’ve seen that I haven’t given a thought to how much I’m eating. WOW have I been over. And I stopped walking on my treadmill, too.

Bad girl.

So I tracked my food this week even better than I did last week. (Last week, I felt kind of down about some of the stuff I tracked, and out of “guilt and shame” I didn’t put some stuff in. Because I’m bad like that.) This week, I haven’t skipped a single bite. Monday and Tuesday, I was horribly over, even though I ate healthy food. But for the first time, I used my logs – not just as a place to put stuff in and never look at them again – to review what was going on. I’ve actually never done that before. But I saw a pattern, for once.

Carbs!

I eat a lot more carbs than I thought. And sugar. Oh, I have a sweet tooth. So bad. But because I don’t eat crap like potato chips and junk food (baked goods – I have them every now and then) stuff like that, I thought I was doing good on carbs. but boy, was I wrong! Bread, potatoes (my weakness – I would give up all the chocolate in the world if I had to decide between mashed potatoes and chocolate. I really would. I LOVE mashed potatoes.), rice… they are good for you, but I eat them with every. Single. Meal.

SO today, I did something different. I didn’t completely cut back on carbs (and in totally get rid of them – I think getting rid of something in your diet 100% is a bad thing), but I did cut back on it (and sugar) significantly today. I had a smoothie with flax seeds for breakfast. I had a sandwich for lunch, sans bread and mayo. For dinner, I had chicken noodle soup, sans noodles.

And even though I was full all day long, I still have almost 800 calories left to “spend” on food today. Just by cutting back on the sugar and carbs. And it really wasn’t that hard to do – much to my amazement. When I found that I was consciously thinking about what I was choosing, it was actually kind of easy to make stuff and leave the bread out, or just take a teaspoon less sugar than usual, or whatever. It was pretty cool.

Oh, and I walked on the treadmill. nothing like I used to (I used to do 6-8 hours of walking a day!) – just 1 1/2 hours at a slow pace. Easy peasy, I didn’t even think about it. Killed off 200+ calories just doing that.

So small steps. One step at a time. I think if I think of it like that, then it won’t be so overwhelming and daunting! If I keep going like I did today, then I’m hoping to be at goal by next Halloween (not this coming – no way! however nice that might be )

Neglected.

Shelly — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 12:27:14 +0000

I think it goes without saying that this section of my site is completely neglected. I know why… I think anyone who’s ever tried to lose weight knows why. It’s not something that you can really put into words, and anyone who hasn’t had this issue wouldn’t understand. Words like “just stop eating so much,” and “get some exercise” and my personal favorite “calories in, calories out” are usually what’s tossed around.

It’s not that simple, though. (and yes, I know you all want to say “but it IS!”, but I can tell you it’s NOT.)

I’ve always remembered myself “how I was,” when I was a child, and all through high school, I was very active and very small. At 18, I thought I was hugely fat when I stepped on the scale and it read 130. I didn’t seriously gain weight until after I had my first child, at 21. So I’ve always said to myself that I’m a skinny girl who’s just going through a rough patch right now. A skinny girl who’s having a REALLY hard time dropping baby weight. (My youngest is now 5.)

Then I got an invite to my 20th high school reunion about 2 months ago. And it hit me: I’m not like I was. It dawned on me that for almost half my life, I’ve been fat. I can no longer count myself as a “skinny girl in a rough patch.”

It was a hard realization.

My mother was diagnosed with diabetes when she was 50. She also has a thyroid problem – something I discovered not too long ago – as did my grandmother and great-grandmother. I highly suspect my mother – and I – have PCOS (but so far I can’t get any of my doctors to listen to me, which is highly annoying). I had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with my last child, which means I have a much higher risk than your average bear of developing the disease within the next few years. Not something I’m looking forward to.

The thing about being a former skinny girl is, you know what it’s like to be skinny. I have no expectations that losing this weight “will change my life” and that “everything will be wonderful when I’m skinny.” Believe me, when I was small, my life sucked just as much as it does now. (actually, it sucked worse, I’m very happy now!)

But what I do expect is to be healthier. I want my kids to see a healthy mom who plays with them, and doesn’t get worn out. I want them to live by the example I set. Right now, I’m not setting a very good one.

I need to finally take control of this. I’ve started and stopped this many times over the last several years, and it always fades. I think I expect too much of myself, and become overwhelmed by failure.

You know what I think the problem with the weight-loss industry is? They tout all the “success stories.”. I don’t need the freaking “success stories.” I know you can lose weight. What I need are the failures. The ones who keep trying and have setbacks just about every day. All the “success stories” do to me is make me feel inadequate, and guilty that I haven’t accomplished my goals, and stupid when I feel like giving up. I get overwhelmed by all the pressure to be a “success” that I just crawl back into my hole and hope no one notices.

So welcome to my failure. My goal, from here on out, is to blog my failures at least twice a week.

My mini-goal for this week is to log what I eat. I do it already, but erratically. I need to make it a habit. So that’s my ONLY goal this week: to log my food intake.

If you feel like watching me stumble along in this, you are welcome Physical comedy is quite hilarious, actually, so maybe I’ll be entertaining at the very least

100 Days

Shelly — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 13:03:02 +0000

So, I used to do this thing called the “100 Days Challenge,” which was based off of the stuff you found in the book “The Secret.” I’m not going to get all into the meaning of “The Secret” and the stuff that people talk about (controversy) over it. Honestly, I’ve never read the book, and I probably never will because it’s not my style of reading material. But the challenge I was involved in (that was based on this book) was really interesting, and some of it I do believe works.

From the group, I understood the basis of the book was not “wish for something and you get it,” as I see a TON of people reporting it to be. That’s a misconception – at least from the experiences I was involved in. The basic idea – again, for this group – was that yes, you wish for something. But you don’t sit back and wait passively for it to come to you. You make it happen for yourself. And by stating that “wish,” and proceeding to open yourself up to watch for the situations and opportunities that present themselves so you can actively play a part in making that wish come true, it will.

It was based on the idea that there are no coincidences, and sort of “the butterfly effect,” that every decision you make and every action you take sets out a ripple in the world that affects everyone and everything in it – which is something I already do believe happens. I think the “wish making” (otherwise known as “setting your intentions”) is sort of a psychological thing, you telling yourself in an authoritative manner that this is what you want, and by God, you’re gonna get it. The action of making that intention tangible sort of tells your brain that this isn’t some random thought in your head, or a dream that will never come true, and it sort of steels your nerve to make it happen for yourself.

I just wanted to give you that little bit of back-story there, so you understand I’m not just “wishing” for stuff and waiting for it to happen. I’m more of the “wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up faster” camp.

I did pretty well on the challenge, when I participated. Not as well as I’d wanted to, but I did all right. Unexpected things did happen, and made me believe that when you set your mind to it, and open your eyes to watch for those opportunities, things do happen. You make your own luck. It was fun to try it in a short span of time and actually see it occur.

So. Here I am. I am not advocating “The Secret,” (again, I’ve never read it, and don’t care to) I just wanted you to know the basis of what I’m about to share with you.

I’m going to do the challenge again.

I’m not doing it with the group I was involved with before. The ladies that run the group are…. well they’re nice ladies. Very enthusiastic. But I’ll put it this way: I’m NOT a morning person. I have my days (and no, not just when I’m PMSing) where I’d like to tear someone’s head off. It’s kind of annoying to hear the soothing voices of the Holy Trinity there tell me that I’m pissed because it’s my fault I let someone piss me off. Whatever. Some days I must cave into non-happy moods, and wallow in my failures. That’s called life. And I am NOT an over-sensitive-to-others kind of person, either. I believe in the Golden Rule. Some people don’t. The people that don’t tend to not get me. The people that do do. Those are called friends. If you’re not my friend, I really don’t care what you think.

“The people that mind don’t matter, and the people that matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss

So, I’m not joining in with that group of people again. But I will be doing this for myself.

Now I’ve tried to start this 100 Days Challenge on my own before, and I usually fail at it – typically I’m good for the first week or so and then next thing you know the whole 100 Days has blown by and I’m sitting there like “Crap. I missed it.” But I’m going to give it another shot. I am not going to promise myself that I will post something every single day. I already know I can’t make that (and my life isn’t that interesting anyway). But I can challenge myself to post something once per week. Surely something interesting will happen once a week, right?

But the main goal of this challenge, for me…. my “wish” if you will… is to continue on with a goal I’ve already set myself on, but have not fully realized my potential in attaining it: weight loss.

My doctor is happy with my progress (Have you ever seen a middle-aged doctor with a salt-and-pepper beard cheer? Yeah. I have. You can’t unsee that shit.) but he could be happier. I’m losing, but I’m losing v e r y s l o w l y. He thinks I can do better. I have another appointment in about 2 months (at the end of June), and I know he’d like to see around 20 pounds gone. Not necessarily exactly 20, but somewhere in that range. I’d like to surprise him with some semblance of success – because thus far, I’ve been coming to him every 3 months with around a 6-8 pound loss.

So, if I begin my challenge today, April 26, 2010, it will end on August 4, 2010 – with my checkup just after day 50, so halfway in. So maybe I can lose about 15 pounds by then – and roughly 30 by the time the challenge ends. That would be cool. That would put me at just barely 20 pounds over what I weighed on my wedding day, and only 35 pounds away from my goal.

Yes, I just did that annoying math for all of you to see LOL

Another goal I have is in regards to my business. I took a sabbatical this year to focus on the direction I want to go in for my business, and I haven’t done squat yet. All good intentions on the road to hell. So I want to focus more on my direction for that, so i can start the new year in full swing, and down the path I want to take.

So there we have it. Today is my Day 1. Let’s just see how this goes!

Week One: How’d it go?

Shelly — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 12:45:59 +0000

So – it’s been a week since I’ve started this “eating more” thing. I have to tell you, it was pretty difficult – and by Tuesday or Wednesday, I was ready to stop it. I was sure it wasn’t working, and I was doubly sure I was going to gain weight instead. I mean, this whole thing about eating more food to lose weight seems like the complete antithesis of what everyone tells you to do.

So halfway through the week – even though I was flabbergasted at how much food I was eating (I’m not kidding, I ate A LOT of food this week) I said to myself “No, what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked. So you’re trying this. You’re gonna go through with it.” So I decided to go through with it – no matter what my brain said – for at least 2 weeks. So I continued, even though with every bite, I was sure I was just packing it on.

I should have known it was working – I have a holdout pair of jeans that are size 22. I believe they are made differently than all of my other jeans – because in every other pair, I’ve gone down to a size 18 already. But for some reason, this last remaining pair has been fitting me perfectly at 22. I’m wearing them right now, and they’re finally doing what all of my other ones do – they’re falling off. I don’t need to undo them to remove them at all.

When I weighed myself this morning, I was surprised to see that, over this last week, I’ve dropped three pounds in this last week.

And the only thing I changed about what I was doing was eating more food.

Now, again, I want to clarify that I’m not just shoving “whatever” into my mouth. There are certain things I’m doing (well, have already done, but those things alone didn’t work, apparently): I have healthy snacks on the house, like baby carrots, berries, even a big tub of dried cranberries. Years ago, I used to drink a lot of soda. I haven’t in quite a long time – it’s been at least 6 or 7 years since the last time I had at least a soda a day. However, over the last year, I’ve drank more soda than usual (maybe about 2 a week) – but I’ve stopped. I honestly think that cutting back on that stuff is a wonderful idea.

To give you an idea of how Im doing calorie and nutrient-wise, you can take a look at my “stats” below.

Total Fat:35%
Total Carbs: 44%
Total Fiber: 16.4 g
Total Protein: 21%

That’s my daily average for the week – I got in about that much every single day (once you even it out). That “Fiber” will be the bane of my existence, I know it. I need to have at least 35g per day of that stuff, and I’m only halfway there. I also need to get that protein up – it should be closer to 40% I think.

I also averaged about 2300 calories per day – which is way WAY more than I usually eat. On a good day, that’s almost twice what I usually consume. However, when you factor in the exercise I’ve done, then I’ve actually only taken in about 1250 calories per day.

So yeah, I quickly discovered that all of this walking that I do? (I would do roughly 5 sets of 100 minute bouts of walking every day.) I discovered that the 200 minutes I do in the morning pretty much wipes out all of the calories I took in during breakfast, and adds extra to my calories allowance – enough that when I eat lunch, I’m usually brought back to an even table. So now I’ve cut my walking back to 300 minutes per day, and it’s seemed to even things out a bit.

So yeah, a lot of technical junk there at the end, but I figured if you’re reading, you might like to know. But the point is – after week one of this experiment, I have to say that yeah, eating more food does really contribute to weight loss. As long as you’re doin’ it right!

Eating right and exercising, among other things

Shelly — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 16:16:29 +0000

So yesterday, I shared with you the whole “body image” thing when it comes to me. I mentioned how, for most of my life, I have not been a large woman, and how I’m trying to get used to this. Now, I do want to lose weight. But it’s not because of social pressure to do so – if it were I wouldn’t even be concerned about it at all, and I would continue on as…well, not normal, but you know. But I want to lose weight because this is not what I’m used to. I’ve accepted it for a while now, but I just can’t stand this any longer. I’m tired of being tired all the time, and I’m tired of not feeling good about myself. This is one thing that – well, I thought I could do. But I keep running into these bizarre walls in the process that I simply cannot figure out. I’m doing what I should, but my body isn’t reacting the way it’s supposed to.

Really, that’s what this whole section is about. I’ve done the “conventional” methods for weight loss, and although they should be working, they are not. So I’m now going through a journey of trial and error, trying to figure out why.

Now, I’m going to lay out some facts about myself. These are not perceptions about what I do, nor am I “lying to myself” (as some people would say). I want this weight gone. Lying to myself or skewing my information doesn’t help me at all – it’s counter-productive. These are, indeed facts.

I am a graduate from a culinary school – the #3 school in the United States, actually. So I know how to cook. And I do it very, very well. And I love to do it.

I’m a food snob. Mostly. I have three children (four, if you count my husband) and I run my own business. So yes, there is some leeway for not being a snob. But I cook with natural ingredients as much as possible. We keep very little processed items in the house. In fact, really the only “processed” food items I cook with are the occasional side dish, and sometimes I’ll use mixes for things like biscuits and cakes. But I refuse to use margarine in my cooking (it’s either butter or EVOO), and the only reason chips are in the house is because hubby likes to snack on them (I think they’re gross.)

I undereat. That is no lie. (I’ll elaborate on that in a bit.)

I have already been tested and cleared for thyroid issues, and although I don’t agree with it, I am negative for PCOS. (I’m still arguing over that one, because I do think I have it – but for the time being, I am negative.)

I am also healthy as a horse. My doctor has already told me a couple of times that if he had just seen my chart only (with the weight omitted) he would think I was a normal, regular, healthy-weight female who is in great shape for her age. He says I’m a contradiction, really – because to look at me, you’d think I would have all kinds of health issues. I do not. I’m actually healthier than my husband (who has no weight issues at all.)

Dining out – especially fast-food – is a particular no-no in my household. Fast food we do maybe twice a year. Dining out happens slightly more frequently – perhaps 6 times a year (this includes ordering pizza).

So there are some facts about me.

Here’s where it gets weird.

Since April of 2009, I’ve been working to get my weight down. Initially, I was simply dieting – cutting back on my food intake. I would exercise, but it was sporadic. Mostly due to work- and home-related reasons. Since I couldn’t (I could, let’s be honest. But I allowed things to get in the way.) exercise, I felt cutting back on my food intake would work just as well. So I did.

I kept a very good log of what I ate for several months. (I believe I gave up on logging my eating habits because, by August, I 1) had only dropped a measly 12 pounds, and 2) I saw that my eating habits were not the problem – as far as eating goes. What surprised me was that I wasn’t eating enough.

About half the time, I would eat around 1300 calories per day. As many online calculators dictate, for me to stay at my current weight, I’d need to be completely sedentary and take in about 2800 calories per day. So, logically, dropping my intake to 1300 should have caused some weight loss. But it didn’t. Not really.

About a quarter of the remaining time, I would go over, and hit around 2,000 calories. but the real kick was the remaining – I would be lucky to hit 700 calories in a day. I can see days in my log back then where I did nothing but drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning, and nothing for the rest of the day.

So I stopped logging. I brought this to the attention of my doctor.

Now, there’s a school of thought about weight loss – I know Weight Watchers spouts it – called “starvation mode.” Basically where your body will notice that you aren’t taking in enough food (especially protein) and think that it’s starving. When it does this, it’s said, your body will hang onto the fat stores it has for dear life, in an effort to save itself from starving to death. Now, I’ve had several people tell me that “starvation mode” is utter bunk – however, none of these people were physicians. I’ve had three doctors tell me that it is not.

When my doctor told me I needed to eat more, I looked at him as if he’d grown a second head. “Eat more to lose weight?” I said.

His response was that basically, I was trying to “start a fire without adding any wood.” So yes, he wanted me to eat more.

I chewed on this (haha) for a bit. I didn’t take his advice though. In October, my husband built an office desk around my treadmill. Since October, I have been exercising while I work. I basically run my treadmill on the lowest setting (which is 1 mile an hour) and just keep walking until I’m done for the day. My average day consists of about 5 hours of walking, sometimes up to 7 or 8 hours, if I’m really busy. So with that tossed into the mix, I started to see my clothes fitting…worse. (I’d say better but it wasn’t – I would walk through the house and my pants would slide down to the floor after a few steps.) but the number on the scale wasn’t changing that much.

My eating habits hadn’t changed at all.

I went to the doctor again – who wasn’t happy that my weight had gone down much (but happy that, at least, it was going down) – and asked me if I had taken his previous advice. When I told him I hadn’t, he insisted that I add more food to my diet. I still didn’t listen.

Last week, I was a part of a budding conversation on Ravelry, and discovered that I am not alone in this. It seems that there is something to this – being overweight, yet still being underfed. Based on the conversation I had, I decided to get back into it and take my doctor’s advice. So I have been logging my food intake and my exercise. I must say, I was completely shocked when I saw that all of this walking I’m doing is wiping out my calorie intakes. Since October, I’ve basically been wiping out everything I’m taking in, and then some – and running on negative.

So for the last three days, I’ve been carefully watching myself. I measure my food (to be sure my “eyeballing” is still true – which it is, thankfully), I log every bite, and I log my exercise. Unfortunately, it’s also making me eat a LOT more than I’m used to. At this time in my life, I’m wondering if taking my doctor’s advice is a good idea – because I never eat this much. I went to bed last night feeling like I’d eaten half the county – but it’s what the tools I’m using said I should do, and it’s my doctor’s advice – so I’m doing it.

I’m going to give this two weeks – because this really seems wrong to me. “Eat more *” is the antithesis of what everyone tells you to do when you’re trying to lose weight. Perhaps this is why it’s not settling well with me. But I’m going to give it a shot. The worst that can happen is I gain a couple of pounds when I was expecting to lose. It’s nothing new.

So 2 weeks. I will continue on, with the addition of eating more food instead of less. And I’ll see what happens. It’ll either be complete bullshit, or it’ll actually work.

*Just to clarify, I’m not stuffing my face with empty calories either – like ho-ho’s or whatever. The tool I’m using will actually keep track of the calories, as well as the fat, protein, fiber and carbs I’m taking in as well. I’m working to try and get a nice split in my intake, of 25% protein, 35% fat and 45% carbs – and trying to get at least 35g of fiber every day. That last one I’m failing miserably at – I have to figure out how to get more fiber in my diet without adding in a whole bunch of fat. For some reason, the two seem to go hand-in-hand.

Finally, fitness.

Shelly — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 14:11:49 +0000

My “fitness” section has long been empty. Not because I’m not doing anything, but mainly because I didn’t really know what to say about it. I’ve actually been doing something since October, but I haven’t seen fit to really write about it.

Today, I have decided to do so. Why? I don’t know. I think because health really matters – especially when you’re on your own, running a business from home, etc. A recent thread on Ravelry has made me see that the things that I think I’m doing wrong…well I’m not the only one who feels the way I do about myself and how I’m handling things. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

I cannot cover all of my issues in one post. Well, okay….I can, but it would make this post monster-sized – even too large for me to handle. So I’m going to take it in chunks (pun intended). So what I’ll simply start with is me, a little about my weight issues, and a little about my life. I think that would be a good starting point to see where I’m coming from, and give you some background on why things are the way they are. Hopefully, if you’re coming here and recognize yourself, you’ll get some help out of this. Alternatively, if you’re coming here thinking that “fatties are lazy and overeat – get off your ass and do something,” this will change your perspective. (And thirdly, if you’re the latter person and you’ve come here to flame me, I do log IP addresses, I do not tolerate trolls, and if you insult me, it’ll just be deleted, and don’t think you’ll affect my day either. I have no tolerance for even thinking about assholes like you.)

Quick background: I do not see myself as fat. When I dream, I am not fat. When I see myself in my head, I am not fat. Even when I look in a mirror, I realize I’m overweight and could stand to lose a few pounds, but I do not see myself as “obese” or anything supremely huge. The only time I can actually see myself as others see me is if someone takes a picture and shows it to me. Then I am staggered.

I think the reason for this self-perception is that, for most of my life, I have not been fat. I have been average-to-curvy. My senior year of high school, I had the measurements all women seemed to die for: 35-25-35, and weighed in at barely 135. I wore a C-cup. I am, however, short -5’4″. I wore a size 6 to 8. I was also very active – I was a sprinter on the track team (I love to run), and I was also one of those “dancers” that was with the marching band. You know, the girls in the spangly bathing suits with go-go boots and fringe. One of those. I was never fat.

I had a child when I was 21. I put on baby weight – brought myself up quite a bit. But only a year after having my daughter, I lost nearly most of it. I found myself, as late as 1998, weighing in at 155 pounds. Overweight, according to most BMI scales, but the additional weight actually really looked good on me. At 135 I looked almost emaciated – but with the extra 20, I was smokin’ hot (and I don’t say this as someone who is conceited, I say it because of the many times I would simply walk down the street and notice people noticing me). I loved the extra – BMI be damned.

In the span of a single year – summer of 1998 to 1999, I put on a LOT of weight. That was a bad year for me. I was depressed, and I had major personal issues going on at the time (which led to the depression). All I did that year was go to class (I missed some because of the depression) and a lot of times in my off-time, I just cried, ate and slept. I was put in medication and exacerbated the problem. By the end of 1999, I had put on another 70 pounds.

I was only on medication for about 4 months. (Haven’t been on it since, by the way.) I got engaged in 2002, and proceeded to drop the 70 pounds in the year before my wedding. Again, I kept it off – until I got pregnant a few months after getting married. Back came the baby weight – and I got pregnant again before i could lose it. Double whammy. My son was born in 2004, my daughter in 2006.

So all told, I’ve only been overweight for about 27% of my lifetime. Which is why, I think, I don’t see myself as fat. In reality, this weight is new to me, and I’ve had issues dealing with this “new body.” I think age also contributes to things. I know after 30, your metabolism gets really sucky, and even when I exercise, I can’t lose weight as easily as I could back when I was younger.

And the really sucky part (here’s where you fat-haters will scoff) is that I do eat right, and I do exercise. And for the last year, it seems like it’s not working at all. I will get to this in another post and explain it in full, but right now I will tell you that the reason it’s not working is because I’m eating like I weigh 135 pounds. What I need to do to lose this weight is actually eat more. It’s a concept that is flipping me out, because it goes against everything we are all told to do.

Anyway, that’s a bit of my back-story. I figured it was good to share that, so you would know where I was coming from. I will do a follow-up on this, and let you know what I’m doing (and have been doing), and what my doctor’s input is on all of this, as well as some of my own investigations.

As a side note, to any of you that have opinions on all of this, I really do welcome them. I’d love o hear your advice, experiences – all of that kind of thing. However, I will stress again: trolls are not tolerated. My definition of a “troll” is someone who contributes nothing to the conversation at hand, and only leaves shit and insults behind. I have no problem allowing posts to come through that I don’t agree with – as long as it adds to the discussion. But insults and idiocy will not be tolerated here.