Holy crap! Where’d the time go? Here I am, halfway through the 100 Days, and I’ve only posted twice. I’m terrible. I swear to God I thought I just posted last week, not last month.

Well, it’s been an odd month, that’s for sure. I think some of why I was so distracted is why things have gone downhill. In the last month, my weight loss has gotten off-track. I’m supposed to see my doctor for a checkup next week, and I’m too disappointed in myself to go. I haven’t lost anything. In fact, I’ve gained 5 pounds back. Which totally sucks. However, the odd thing is, I’ve been taking my measurements, and I’ve lost in my boobs and butt. I’m down yet another clothing size.

I’ve also been seriously distracted when it comes to work. I cannot focus. It seems like everything is coming down on me all at once – and when that happens, I tend to just “run away” and do something else. Avoidance.

I’d also like to say it’s funny – when you decide to crack down on yourself and get things in order, the universe seems to toss everything it can at you to upset your progress. WTF is up with that?

I was on a huge, long drive yesterday – we had to go to Pennsylvania and back to get my daughter for her summer visitation.

(As an aside: PA Department of Transportation. WTF is WRONG with you people? I drove for 15 miles, at 5-10 miles an hour, on the interstate in a line of traffic that was a gazillion miles long on a single lane because some fucker in your department forgot to remove the barrels from the road over the weekend. There were NO WORKERS, there was NO EQUIPMENT, there were NO SIGNS, and there was FRESH PAINT on the road, showing that the project was fucking FINISHED. And someone forgot to take the barrels off the road. A typical 10 hour trip – with 2 screaming children in the car, one of which was still potty-training – took us 13 HOURS. I HATE YOU.)

Okay, I couldn’t pass that up. Vent over! Anyway…

So while we were in the car, my husband and I had the unusual circumstance where we could talk to each other. (Thanks to the PA DoT, we had a LONG conversation. I’ll give you half a point + for that. But you’re still in the negative with me.) I’ve been holding in my issues because I felt like there was so much wrong, but I couldn’t even make it all make sense. So I’ve been chewing on stuff for a while without saying anything to him. I bit the bullet last night and just let it all out.

He just reminded me why I love him so much.

I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet, but things are a little clearer now that I’ve gotten it out of my head and out there – which always seems to help, but I always seem to forget. Basically, my dilemma is this: Should I quit my job?

I’ve never quit a job I liked. I’ve quit jobs before, but I always had a good reason. Said reasons usually involved your standard reasons: asshole boss who treated you like a dog-poop mat, being underpaid, sexual harassment, etc. This time, it’s not the case. I am the boss this time. And I love my job. I adore what I do. I cannot tell you how much I love it. Even when I’m stressed out over clients, I still love it. I’ve often had feelings that maybe I should quit, but I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I did. Plus, I’ve put SO MUCH time and money and effort into this business – it feels like giving up if I quit. It feels like a waste.

BUT…

My home life is being affected. I’m a workaholic. I get so excited by stuff that runs through my head that I cannot discipline myself into keeping set hours. Passion (and damn good ideas) does not occur between the hours of 9 am and 5 pm, Monday through Friday. My youngest kids are at the age now where they really need me. I’m so tired of saying “In a minute, honey – mommy is working.” And there’s just so much stuff i want to do that’s NOT work-related, and I cannot, because work consumes everything.

So I started thinking of it like a drug addiction. My work is my drug. I love it, and I don’t want to give it up. But it’s affecting everything else in my life, and leaving me to feel empty inside – unless I’m doing it.

So hubby has helped me a bit by making suggestions. He thinks I should finish up the last 2 projects I have in my queue, and just not do ANYTHING work-related for the entire summer. If it works out well, and I am happier, then he thinks I should quit. He’s even offering up suggestions on how I can return at a later date (or just stick solely with one client that gives me light work very now and again so I’m not totally out of the loop.)

But that’s where I’m at right now – with a seriously supportive and loving husband, and trying to figure out if this truly is the right step to take. I went on sabbatical to try and figure out how to make my business move along better with my life – and it’s surprising to me right now that the road doesn’t seem to lead in that direction. It’s a little confusing… but at the same time, the idea is very refreshing, liberating, and tempting.