I’m tired.

When I was growing up, I had something instilled in me: the drive to never quit. Meaning, if I committed to something, if I promised I would do something, then I would see it through to the end.

I remember when I was in 9th grade, I was a cheerleader. At the beginning of the school year, there were 14 of us on the squad. When “yearbook picture time” rolled around in mid_march, there were three. Everyone quit. Various reasons, really – but mostly because the assistant “coach” was a royal bitch, to say the least. She would tell us all we were fat (and pinch said fat to make her point), and yell at us for eating lunch, or not being flexible enough, etc. etc. She was a terrible teacher, and an even worse cheerleading coach. So most of the girls quit. The first few because of her, and as it progressed, the last few because they were to embarrassed to stay on a cheerleading squad with so few members.

But I signed on for a year. I committed to it. So I stayed.

And I think I’ve discovered the point of this 100 Days challenge: it’s not about what’s right (when it comes to balancing work, etc.)… it’s knowing when to quit.

I’ve quit jobs before, I don’t deny it. I’ve always had a good reason for it, and I’ve always hung on for dear life for as long as I possibly could, to give it second, third, fourth – even fifth chances to try and redeem itself to me. But there was always some catalyst that made me very aware (to the point of no deniability) that it was time to turn in that two weeks’ notice.

I’m hard-pressed to find that catalyst now. All I know is, I’m tired.

I’m so exhausted.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m incapable of anything. I’m tired of feeling like I have to defend every single word I want to say to people who I don’t even know. I’m tired of being so overloaded and so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to start. I’m tired of wanting to do things, but having to stop before I even begin because I have to deal with something else first. I’m tired of comparing myself to how I perceive others to be and find myself falling short from every angle.

Perhaps this bone-deep exhaustion is my catalyst. I am just so weary of it all. But I can’t help feeling that if I quit, I’m failing. What will I do? I don’t know. But the idea is so tempting… I just don’t know if I can.