I have to say, I’m not one for meditation (although I should – Lord knows it keeps me calm when I do, and with a 15-year-old girl in the house this summer, I need to remain calm, lest I obliterate her), but I did have long conversations with my husband and lots of time to think on it.

I will not be quitting.

I can’t. I love my job too much. I would ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> So after about a week of debating on the whole issue of quitting, I’ve come to a decision.

I have to say, I’m not one for meditation (although I should – Lord knows it keeps me calm when I do, and with a 15-year-old girl in the house this summer, I need to remain calm, lest I obliterate her), but I did have long conversations with my husband and lots of time to think on it.

I will not be quitting.

I can’t. I love my job too much. I would be lost if I quit. Sure, it would be nice for a while – doing nothing but whatever I wanted to do at all times – but the novelty would wear off, and I would miss it too much. I’m the type of person that must be doing something. If I don’t, I go insane.

So knowing that I will not quit my job then led me to the reasons as to why I was even thinking about doing it. The answer was my lack of time. I have no time to do the other parts of my life that I enjoy. (Or the parts that I don’t, but still need to do… like dishes, and laundry…) THIS is what I need to tackle. My lack of time. And my lack of time stems from my lack of organization, my lack of focus, and my lack of spine (i.e. I can’t seem to say “no,” even when I’m overwhelmed – even when I know if I say “yes” everyone will suffer because I’m spread too thin).

So now I have a goal. I know I don’t want to quit. Now I have to focus on the other three aspects to make that goal a success. My spine, my organization, and my focus. Holy crap – it’s the triad: Body, Mind and Soul. They all three go hand-in-hand, and now I have to find that balance.

It’s a start!

When I was growing up, I had something instilled in me: the drive to never quit. Meaning, if I committed to something, if I promised I would do something, then I would see it through to the end.

I remember when I was in 9th grade, I was a cheerleader. At the beginning of the school year, there were 14 of us on the squad. When “yearbook picture time” rolled around in mid_march, there were three. Everyone quit. Various reasons, really – but ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> I’m tired.

When I was growing up, I had something instilled in me: the drive to never quit. Meaning, if I committed to something, if I promised I would do something, then I would see it through to the end.

I remember when I was in 9th grade, I was a cheerleader. At the beginning of the school year, there were 14 of us on the squad. When “yearbook picture time” rolled around in mid_march, there were three. Everyone quit. Various reasons, really – but mostly because the assistant “coach” was a royal bitch, to say the least. She would tell us all we were fat (and pinch said fat to make her point), and yell at us for eating lunch, or not being flexible enough, etc. etc. She was a terrible teacher, and an even worse cheerleading coach. So most of the girls quit. The first few because of her, and as it progressed, the last few because they were to embarrassed to stay on a cheerleading squad with so few members.

But I signed on for a year. I committed to it. So I stayed.

And I think I’ve discovered the point of this 100 Days challenge: it’s not about what’s right (when it comes to balancing work, etc.)… it’s knowing when to quit.

I’ve quit jobs before, I don’t deny it. I’ve always had a good reason for it, and I’ve always hung on for dear life for as long as I possibly could, to give it second, third, fourth – even fifth chances to try and redeem itself to me. But there was always some catalyst that made me very aware (to the point of no deniability) that it was time to turn in that two weeks’ notice.

I’m hard-pressed to find that catalyst now. All I know is, I’m tired.

I’m so exhausted.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m incapable of anything. I’m tired of feeling like I have to defend every single word I want to say to people who I don’t even know. I’m tired of being so overloaded and so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to start. I’m tired of wanting to do things, but having to stop before I even begin because I have to deal with something else first. I’m tired of comparing myself to how I perceive others to be and find myself falling short from every angle.

Perhaps this bone-deep exhaustion is my catalyst. I am just so weary of it all. But I can’t help feeling that if I quit, I’m failing. What will I do? I don’t know. But the idea is so tempting… I just don’t know if I can.

So what’s happened in the last 12 days? Well, I’ve managed to retain my work-overload. In fact, as I write, this, I’m quite exhausted – I’ve been up for the last three nights pretty late, trying to knock out all the sites I need to finish. I’ve also been walking more than usual – it helps me ot walk while I’m ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> I promised I’d try for once a week. it’s late in that promise, but it’s still within the “once a week” timeline – so win for me!

So what’s happened in the last 12 days? Well, I’ve managed to retain my work-overload. In fact, as I write, this, I’m quite exhausted – I’ve been up for the last three nights pretty late, trying to knock out all the sites I need to finish. I’ve also been walking more than usual – it helps me ot walk while I’m working, and since I’m working extra-long hours – I’m walking extra-long hours too. And this sucks – I’ve fallen back into the old trend of skipping breakfast too (as well as other meals) – so old habits do die hard. I’m stopping this behavior immediately – I will not work after 3pm today, nor will I work over the weekend. Hopefully that’ll be the reset I need ot get me back on track next week.

My birthday was the other day (May 4) – dang I’m old. Every time I think of how old I am, I feel like “Sally” in “When Harry Met Sally” (even though I’ve never actually seen the movie – I’ve only seen that one part which I shall describe right now) where she calls up Harry and tells him she’s gonna be 40.

“When?” he asks.

“Someday!” she sobs.

For me, “someday” is probably closer than it was for her.

Anyway. So hubby went out and got my favorite dinner (sushi) and made me a banana cream pie. Unfortunately, he didn’t know how to make pie crust, and he being the type who likes to buy everything as cheaply as possible, purchased a frozen store-brand pie shell. Apparently it was mismade, because I could taste that pie shell for hours afterwards, and it sat in my stomach like a rock – until I puked it up (along with my sushi!) around midnight.

And weiner that I am, I had to wonder how you counted calories for something you ate, and then upchucked later. I have no idea how that works.

I did a a tarot reading for myself a few days ago – I haven’t done that in a while. I should have written down the cards I pulled, because I can’t remember what they were exactly. But I do remember every time I asked a “clarification question” that was yes or no based, the card I pulled every time was the Ace of Cups – which made me laugh. (And yeah, this was after shuffling between each question – so it’s not like it was in the same spot every time.) but i do recall the meaning of e reading was what I’ve said here – I’m sliding back into old habits, and if I want to move forward and go down the path I want to be on, I need to focus, pay attention to what I’m doing, and the biggest one: don’t be afraid to ask for help. (I’m not a help-asking kind of gal – which is a downfall of mine.)

Anyway, that’s where i am on Day 12. I have no report of the weight-loss thing, because it seems to be stagnant – the scale hasn’t budged in three weeks. However, my pants still keep falling off. I’m thinking perhaps I should start measuring certain body parts, so when the scale doesn’t move, I can see if something else is.

So halfway through the week – even though I was flabbergasted at ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> So – it’s been a week since I’ve started this “eating more” thing. I have to tell you, it was pretty difficult – and by Tuesday or Wednesday, I was ready to stop it. I was sure it wasn’t working, and I was doubly sure I was going to gain weight instead. I mean, this whole thing about eating more food to lose weight seems like the complete antithesis of what everyone tells you to do.

So halfway through the week – even though I was flabbergasted at how much food I was eating (I’m not kidding, I ate A LOT of food this week) I said to myself “No, what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked. So you’re trying this. You’re gonna go through with it.” So I decided to go through with it – no matter what my brain said – for at least 2 weeks. So I continued, even though with every bite, I was sure I was just packing it on.

I should have known it was working – I have a holdout pair of jeans that are size 22. I believe they are made differently than all of my other jeans – because in every other pair, I’ve gone down to a size 18 already. But for some reason, this last remaining pair has been fitting me perfectly at 22. I’m wearing them right now, and they’re finally doing what all of my other ones do – they’re falling off. I don’t need to undo them to remove them at all.

When I weighed myself this morning, I was surprised to see that, over this last week, I’ve dropped three pounds in this last week.

And the only thing I changed about what I was doing was eating more food.

Now, again, I want to clarify that I’m not just shoving “whatever” into my mouth. There are certain things I’m doing (well, have already done, but those things alone didn’t work, apparently): I have healthy snacks on the house, like baby carrots, berries, even a big tub of dried cranberries. Years ago, I used to drink a lot of soda. I haven’t in quite a long time – it’s been at least 6 or 7 years since the last time I had at least a soda a day. However, over the last year, I’ve drank more soda than usual (maybe about 2 a week) – but I’ve stopped. I honestly think that cutting back on that stuff is a wonderful idea.

To give you an idea of how Im doing calorie and nutrient-wise, you can take a look at my “stats” below.

Total Fat:35%
Total Carbs: 44%
Total Fiber: 16.4 g
Total Protein: 21%

That’s my daily average for the week – I got in about that much every single day (once you even it out). That “Fiber” will be the bane of my existence, I know it. I need to have at least 35g per day of that stuff, and I’m only halfway there. I also need to get that protein up – it should be closer to 40% I think.

I also averaged about 2300 calories per day – which is way WAY more than I usually eat. On a good day, that’s almost twice what I usually consume. However, when you factor in the exercise I’ve done, then I’ve actually only taken in about 1250 calories per day.

So yeah, I quickly discovered that all of this walking that I do? (I would do roughly 5 sets of 100 minute bouts of walking every day.) I discovered that the 200 minutes I do in the morning pretty much wipes out all of the calories I took in during breakfast, and adds extra to my calories allowance – enough that when I eat lunch, I’m usually brought back to an even table. So now I’ve cut my walking back to 300 minutes per day, and it’s seemed to even things out a bit.

So yeah, a lot of technical junk there at the end, but I figured if you’re reading, you might like to know. But the point is – after week one of this experiment, I have to say that yeah, eating more food does really contribute to weight loss. As long as you’re doin’ it right!

Today, I have decided to do so. Why? I don’t know. I think because health really matters – especially when you’re on your own, running a business from home, etc. A recent thread on Ravelry has made me see that the things that ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> My “fitness” section has long been empty. Not because I’m not doing anything, but mainly because I didn’t really know what to say about it. I’ve actually been doing something since October, but I haven’t seen fit to really write about it.

Today, I have decided to do so. Why? I don’t know. I think because health really matters – especially when you’re on your own, running a business from home, etc. A recent thread on Ravelry has made me see that the things that I think I’m doing wrong…well I’m not the only one who feels the way I do about myself and how I’m handling things. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

I cannot cover all of my issues in one post. Well, okay….I can, but it would make this post monster-sized – even too large for me to handle. So I’m going to take it in chunks (pun intended). So what I’ll simply start with is me, a little about my weight issues, and a little about my life. I think that would be a good starting point to see where I’m coming from, and give you some background on why things are the way they are. Hopefully, if you’re coming here and recognize yourself, you’ll get some help out of this. Alternatively, if you’re coming here thinking that “fatties are lazy and overeat – get off your ass and do something,” this will change your perspective. (And thirdly, if you’re the latter person and you’ve come here to flame me, I do log IP addresses, I do not tolerate trolls, and if you insult me, it’ll just be deleted, and don’t think you’ll affect my day either. I have no tolerance for even thinking about assholes like you.)

Quick background: I do not see myself as fat. When I dream, I am not fat. When I see myself in my head, I am not fat. Even when I look in a mirror, I realize I’m overweight and could stand to lose a few pounds, but I do not see myself as “obese” or anything supremely huge. The only time I can actually see myself as others see me is if someone takes a picture and shows it to me. Then I am staggered.

I think the reason for this self-perception is that, for most of my life, I have not been fat. I have been average-to-curvy. My senior year of high school, I had the measurements all women seemed to die for: 35-25-35, and weighed in at barely 135. I wore a C-cup. I am, however, short -5′4″. I wore a size 6 to 8. I was also very active – I was a sprinter on the track team (I love to run), and I was also one of those “dancers” that was with the marching band. You know, the girls in the spangly bathing suits with go-go boots and fringe. One of those. I was never fat.

I had a child when I was 21. I put on baby weight – brought myself up quite a bit. But only a year after having my daughter, I lost nearly most of it. I found myself, as late as 1998, weighing in at 155 pounds. Overweight, according to most BMI scales, but the additional weight actually really looked good on me. At 135 I looked almost emaciated – but with the extra 20, I was smokin’ hot (and I don’t say this as someone who is conceited, I say it because of the many times I would simply walk down the street and notice people noticing me). I loved the extra – BMI be damned.

In the span of a single year – summer of 1998 to 1999, I put on a LOT of weight. That was a bad year for me. I was depressed, and I had major personal issues going on at the time (which led to the depression). All I did that year was go to class (I missed some because of the depression) and a lot of times in my off-time, I just cried, ate and slept. I was put in medication and exacerbated the problem. By the end of 1999, I had put on another 70 pounds.

I was only on medication for about 4 months. (Haven’t been on it since, by the way.) I got engaged in 2002, and proceeded to drop the 70 pounds in the year before my wedding. Again, I kept it off – until I got pregnant a few months after getting married. Back came the baby weight – and I got pregnant again before i could lose it. Double whammy. My son was born in 2004, my daughter in 2006.

So all told, I’ve only been overweight for about 27% of my lifetime. Which is why, I think, I don’t see myself as fat. In reality, this weight is new to me, and I’ve had issues dealing with this “new body.” I think age also contributes to things. I know after 30, your metabolism gets really sucky, and even when I exercise, I can’t lose weight as easily as I could back when I was younger.

And the really sucky part (here’s where you fat-haters will scoff) is that I do eat right, and I do exercise. And for the last year, it seems like it’s not working at all. I will get to this in another post and explain it in full, but right now I will tell you that the reason it’s not working is because I’m eating like I weigh 135 pounds. What I need to do to lose this weight is actually eat more. It’s a concept that is flipping me out, because it goes against everything we are all told to do.

Anyway, that’s a bit of my back-story. I figured it was good to share that, so you would know where I was coming from. I will do a follow-up on this, and let you know what I’m doing (and have been doing), and what my doctor’s input is on all of this, as well as some of my own investigations.

As a side note, to any of you that have opinions on all of this, I really do welcome them. I’d love o hear your advice, experiences – all of that kind of thing. However, I will stress again: trolls are not tolerated. My definition of a “troll” is someone who contributes nothing to the conversation at hand, and only leaves shit and insults behind. I have no problem allowing posts to come through that I don’t agree with – as long as it adds to the discussion. But insults and idiocy will not be tolerated here.

Now, before I get started on the recipe, I want to ’splain why it’s not working for me. Basically, it’s too wet. The ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> Okay, so I’m posting this recipe, even though it’s not working correctly (for me, anyway…) Perhaps it’ll work better for you. Anyway, this pie is a family favorite. I jut started making it 2 years ago, but it’s been so popular that my husband – who has no sweet tooth at all – salivates when he sees me buying the berries for it.

Now, before I get started on the recipe, I want to ’splain why it’s not working for me. Basically, it’s too wet. The bottom crust does not get cooked, and frankly, it’s pissing me off.

I’ve learned a few “tricks of the trade” when it comes to cooking berry pies, but so far, this recipe is failing at every attempt. I have one last-ditch effort I’m going to try before giving up on this pie. One thread of hope. Basically, I plan to cook the filling before I put it in the shell – something I don’t normally do (unless I’m making some form of tart) – but I’m hoping that pre-cooking the filling will fix the issue I’m having with this pie.

Because really, it truly is too damn good to give up on – wet-bottom crust and all.

Now, I’m going to explain part of this recipe as well – which is the preparation of the pan and oven. This is (usually) the single best trick I know for baking a perfect double-crust pie. (Again, usually) this results in a perfect pie shell. So, this recipe aside, I highly recommend using these methods any time you want to do a double-crust filled pie. It’s no fail. (for a third time – usually.)

Tip #1: You want to preheat the oven to 450°F. I don’t care what any other recipe tells you – you want it at this nice, high temperature.

Tip #2: Put a rack in the very bottom of the oven, as low as it’ll go. Most recipes tell you to use the center position for your rack. Bull, I say! Lowest position. Every time.

Tip #3: You want a cookie sheet (if you have a large pizza pan, that’ll work great) covered with aluminum foil. If the sides are shallow (as in less than 1/2″) thenfold up the edges of the foil to create a “lip”. Put this pan in the oven while the oven is preheating.

Tip #4: Butter your pie pan. Seems crazy, right? but no – butter it. And use Butter if at all possible – because butter will cause a nice crispness. You want to grease the sides and bottom completely. Then sprinkle a fine layer of granulated sugar all over the pan – make sure it’s got a nice, even coating. Then roll out your bottom crust into the pan.

These steps will pretty much guarantee you have a nice, crisp, fully-cooked bottom crust as your pie bakes. You know, as long as your filling isn’t too wet. (Gah!) but like I said, next time I make this, I’m going to fully thaw the berry mixture, toss in the thickening agents and cook it over the stovetop to be sure it sets up. That should take care of the “wet bottom” issue, and give me a nice crust.

So without further ado:

Jumbleberry Pie

Serves 12

Ingredients

• 7 cups mixed berries: strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries. (You can buy frozen mixed in a 4-pound bag at your local grocery store – it’s perfect for this)
• 4 Tbsp cornstarch
• 4 Tbsp tapioca
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1 c granulated sugar
• 1 egg, broken and mixed with about 1 Tbsp water
• granulated sugar for dusting
• Your favorite pie crust (I use Pillsbury – why mess with a good thing?)
• 1 pint heavy whipping cream (optional)
• 1 tsp vanilla (optional)
• 3 Tbsp granulated sugar (optional)

Preparation

1. Place bottom crust in shell, preheat oven (according to notes above) to 450°F.
2. In a small bowl, blend 1c sugar, cornstarch, salt and tapioca; mix well.
3. In a large bowl, turn out your berries. Add in the sugar mixture, and toss to coat well.
4. Place all ingredients into pie crust. Using a pastry brush, swipe a little egg over the overhang. Roll out the second crust over the berries, press edges together and flute.
5. Brush all over the top of the shell with the egg. Dust lightly with sugar. Using a small, sharp knife, cut 6 large vent openings in the top crust.
6. pop into the oven and back for 30 minutes. Reduce heat to 350°F, and continue baking until the crust is golden brown, another 40-50 minutes.
7. Cool to room temperature. Serve with vanilla ice cream, or chantilly cream (recipe follows).

Optional Chantilly Cream addition

1. Place heavy cream into a cold bowl. Place cold beaters into your mixer.
2. Add in vanilla and sugar.
3. Whip on high speed until cream achieves stiff peaks.

1 serving (without chantilly cream):
279 cal, 9.3g fat, 46.6g carbs, 2.3g fiber, 1.9g protein

Now, if anyone actually does try this recipe with the modifications I mentioned above (i.e. pre-cooking the filling before adding it to the shell) please let me know how it turned out. I highly suspect an additional tablespoon or two of tapioca will be necessary as well, but again, this is something I want to experiment with before committing to it. but even if you don’t, trust me – this is freaking delicious and you won’t be sorry about the mess you made. (It all tastes the same!)

I had jury duty this past week – got called in on St. Patrick’s Day. I ... read on, Fisherboy »]]> Oh, I’m just in a mood to blab today. The winter seems to definitely be over with – it’s been in the 70’s for the last couple of days, and just perfect weather. I think I have spring fever, because I just cannot concentrate on work at all. All I want to do is clean the house and start working on the projects hubby and I have been discussing all winter.

I had jury duty this past week – got called in on St. Patrick’s Day. I swear, getting up at 5:30am should be against the law. I had to leave by 7 so I could make it to the courthouse in downtown Hartford by 8. I thought hubby was nuts to tell me I had to leave an hour early (when it usually only takes me 20 or 25 minutes to get downtown) – until I actually pulled onto 91 – and ho-lee shit. Wow. He was right.

I felt kind of bad because I got dismissed as a juror – but the Rav forums actually made me feel better about it. I know it sounds ridiculously stupid (and Mike thought I was nuts for being even the slightest bit upset that I was dismissed), but I generally pride myself on the ability to be objective and fair. But as the process went on, I discovered the trial was based on a subject I knew fairly well, and I had a bias on. I knew that even if I stayed on the jury, and I knew I would be able to listen and be fair, I would still be biased, so I said something. I hoped I wouldn’t get dismissed for it, but I did, and it stung just a little. I guess I never thought I was the type of person to have bias on something when it had nothing to do with me.

30 Seconds to Mars

That aside, I’m a little hyped because I’m getting ready to do something amazingly fun. There’s so many things involved that are fun, and putting them all together just means it’s going to be something really memorable and exhaustingly… fun. Number one: I’m going to go to a concert. I’ve not been to many concerts in my life, but every time I’ve gone, they’ve been incredibly fun things to attend. There’s nothing like seeing something live. I love to watch football, basketball, baseball, etc., games – but not on TV. All of that commentary and commercials and stuff – it just takes something away from it. But going to something live just turns it into something else. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s not a band that I would consider myself to be a “fan” of – it’s a band I do like, but I’m only familiar with a few of their songs. (So I went to iTunes and downloaded both full albums they have to get better acquainted with them – and so far I’m glad I did.) But that, in and of itself, is just going to be fun.

The Number Two to this fun-filled evening is that the concert is located in a) the House of Blues, and b) in Boston. I’ve only been to Boston once – the fam’ took a trip to the aquarium up there one weekend and it was really cool. Very nice town – at least what I saw of it. So I’m really excited to be able to go see it again. And I’ve never been to a House of Blues before – so this combo seems a little “epic” for poor li’l ol’ me, who doesn’t get out of the house much and just hears about these wonderful places and things.

And the Number Three – the cherry on top – is that I get to go with my sister. Now, you may know that I live far away from my roots. I’m originally from West Virginia, and all of my family is back home. Except my sister – well, the one closest to me in age – she moved away a long time ago to Pennsylvania and has lived here for many years. I now live in CT, and my sister lives pretty much exactly halfway between me and my parents. So she’s still pretty far away from me, just in the opposite direction from where I used to go.

My sister is my BFF – I love her to death, and I just don’t get to see her often enough. She’s a bona fide fan of 30STM, and she got the tickets the day before they were actually set to be on sale to the general public (because she’s a member of the fan club) – and Boston isn’t far from me… so we had no choice. So Boston/House of Blues, to see 30STM, with my sister. This is going to be mega-fun.

I’m also excited because – as mentioned before – I don’t get out of the house much. I run my own business from a home office, and I also take care of the house and raise my two kids. My standard garb is jeans and T-shirts, and the last time I wore makeup was… well to court the other day LOL, but other than that it was probably at my brother’s wedding last year. Even though I am also losing weight too, I still wear clothes that are 3-4 sizes too big because I never go anywhere, so I don’t see any point in getting new stuff, you know? But this is an exception. I’ve been planning.

It’s so geeky.

I’ve finally decided on my outfit, and I’m actually going to make the shirts I plan to wear. I’ve already ordered the fabric, and I cannot wait for it to get here so I can start on it. I’m making this wrap cardigan, which will be layered over this “grandpa” cardigan, which will be layered over a tank top. I got the idea from a British TV series called “Being Human” – and the ghost character wears this exact type of top ensemble. I loved it. I actually found the shop where you could purchase what she’s wearing, but wow. The wrap cardigan alone is about $150 – which was way too expensive. So I decided to make ‘em all. (and no – even though it’s 3 layers, it won’t be hot, I don’t think – it’s really, really thin fabric.)

I’ve also decided to not only get a great par of jeans to go with this, but to have them custom made for myself. Yeah – I’m not kidding. generally, you pay between $16 (Wal-Mart) to $60 (department store) for jeans – and the higher the price, generally the better they are. But I was actually pointed to a website – and it’s been highly discussed in a positive light from several people – where you can take your own measurements, send them in, and they will make a pair of custom jeans for you at a certain base price. The ones I want have a base price of $50 – which is in a “reasonable” range. There’s nothing like having something made to fit just you – so I’ve decided to splurge on them. Even though it’s not really splurging!

I’m also planning to top this whole yummy outfit off with a new pair of boots. Now, hubby will tell you, I’m a freak when it comes to shoes. I swear, it’s the only “female thing” I have that defines me as a female, as far as habits go. I’m usually quite the tomboy, and not a fan of things like handbags (like you could tell – ha!) jewelry, etc. But I flip over shoes. I don’t get boots that often, but when I saw this pair, I just thought they’d be perfect. Not only will they give me some height, but they’re shit-kickers, so they’ll be comfortable too.

So that’s where I’m at on this day, just before the beginning of spring. I’m all excited about the weather, the flowers, and getting to see my sister to have a hell of a fun time in April.

What are you up to?