So yesterday, I shared with you the whole “body image” thing when it comes to me. I mentioned how, for most of my life, I have not been a large woman, and how I’m trying to get used to this. Now, I do want to lose weight. But it’s not because of social pressure to do so – if it were I wouldn’t even be concerned about it at all, and I would continue on as…well, not normal, but you know. But I want to lose weight because this is not what I’m used to. I’ve accepted it for a while now, but I just can’t stand this any longer. I’m tired of being tired all the time, and I’m tired of not feeling good about myself. This is one thing that – well, I thought I could do. But I keep running into these bizarre walls in the process that I simply cannot figure out. I’m doing what I should, but my body isn’t reacting the way it’s supposed to.

Really, that’s what this whole section is about. I’ve done the “conventional” methods for weight loss, and although they should be working, they are not. So I’m now going through a journey of trial and error, trying to figure out why.

Now, I’m going to lay out some facts about myself. These are not perceptions about what I do, nor am I “lying to myself” (as some people would say). I want this weight gone. Lying to myself or skewing my information doesn’t help me at all – it’s counter-productive. These are, indeed facts.

1. I am a graduate from a culinary school – the #3 school in the United States, actually. So I know how to cook. And I do it very, very well. And I love to do it.
2. I’m a food snob. Mostly. I have three children (four, if you count my husband) and I run my own business. So yes, there is some leeway for not being a snob. But I cook with natural ingredients as much as possible. We keep very little processed items in the house. In fact, really the only “processed” food items I cook with are the occasional side dish, and sometimes I’ll use mixes for things like biscuits and cakes. But I refuse to use margarine in my cooking (it’s either butter or EVOO), and the only reason chips are in the house is because hubby likes to snack on them (I think they’re gross.)
3. I undereat. That is no lie. (I’ll elaborate on that in a bit.)
4. I have already been tested and cleared for thyroid issues, and although I don’t agree with it, I am negative for PCOS. (I’m still arguing over that one, because I do think I have it – but for the time being, I am negative.)
5. I am also healthy as a horse. My doctor has already told me a couple of times that if he had just seen my chart only (with the weight omitted) he would think I was a normal, regular, healthy-weight female who is in great shape for her age. He says I’m a contradiction, really – because to look at me, you’d think I would have all kinds of health issues. I do not. I’m actually healthier than my husband (who has no weight issues at all.)
6. Dining out – especially fast-food – is a particular no-no in my household. Fast food we do maybe twice a year. Dining out happens slightly more frequently – perhaps 6 times a year (this includes ordering pizza).

So there are some facts about me.

Here’s where it gets weird.

Since April of 2009, I’ve been working to get my weight down. Initially, I was simply dieting – cutting back on my food intake. I would exercise, but it was sporadic. Mostly due to work- and home-related reasons. Since I couldn’t (I could, let’s be honest. But I allowed things to get in the way.) exercise, I felt cutting back on my food intake would work just as well. So I did.

I kept a very good log of what I ate for several months. (I believe I gave up on logging my eating habits because, by August, I 1) had only dropped a measly 12 pounds, and 2) I saw that my eating habits were not the problem – as far as eating goes. What surprised me was that I wasn’t eating enough.

About half the time, I would eat around 1300 calories per day. As many online calculators dictate, for me to stay at my current weight, I’d need to be completely sedentary and take in about 2800 calories per day. So, logically, dropping my intake to 1300 should have caused some weight loss. But it didn’t. Not really.

About a quarter of the remaining time, I would go over, and hit around 2,000 calories. but the real kick was the remaining – I would be lucky to hit 700 calories in a day. I can see days in my log back then where I did nothing but drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning, and nothing for the rest of the day.

So I stopped logging. I brought this to the attention of my doctor.

Now, there’s a school of thought about weight loss – I know Weight Watchers spouts it – called “starvation mode.” Basically where your body will notice that you aren’t taking in enough food (especially protein) and think that it’s starving. When it does this, it’s said, your body will hang onto the fat stores it has for dear life, in an effort to save itself from starving to death. Now, I’ve had several people tell me that “starvation mode” is utter bunk – however, none of these people were physicians. I’ve had three doctors tell me that it is not.

When my doctor told me I needed to eat more, I looked at him as if he’d grown a second head. “Eat more to lose weight?” I said.

His response was that basically, I was trying to “start a fire without adding any wood.” So yes, he wanted me to eat more.

I chewed on this (haha) for a bit. I didn’t take his advice though. In October, my husband built an office desk around my treadmill. Since October, I have been exercising while I work. I basically run my treadmill on the lowest setting (which is 1 mile an hour) and just keep walking until I’m done for the day. My average day consists of about 5 hours of walking, sometimes up to 7 or 8 hours, if I’m really busy. So with that tossed into the mix, I started to see my clothes fitting…worse. (I’d say better but it wasn’t – I would walk through the house and my pants would slide down to the floor after a few steps.) but the number on the scale wasn’t changing that much.

My eating habits hadn’t changed at all.

I went to the doctor again – who wasn’t happy that my weight had gone down much (but happy that, at least, it was going down) – and asked me if I had taken his previous advice. When I told him I hadn’t, he insisted that I add more food to my diet. I still didn’t listen.

Last week, I was a part of a budding conversation on Ravelry, and discovered that I am not alone in this. It seems that there is something to this – being overweight, yet still being underfed. Based on the conversation I had, I decided to get back into it and take my doctor’s advice. So I have been logging my food intake and my exercise. I must say, I was completely shocked when I saw that all of this walking I’m doing is wiping out my calorie intakes. Since October, I’ve basically been wiping out everything I’m taking in, and then some – and running on negative.

So for the last three days, I’ve been carefully watching myself. I measure my food (to be sure my “eyeballing” is still true – which it is, thankfully), I log every bite, and I log my exercise. Unfortunately, it’s also making me eat a LOT more than I’m used to. At this time in my life, I’m wondering if taking my doctor’s advice is a good idea – because I never eat this much. I went to bed last night feeling like I’d eaten half the county – but it’s what the tools I’m using said I should do, and it’s my doctor’s advice – so I’m doing it.

I’m going to give this two weeks – because this really seems wrong to me. “Eat more *” is the antithesis of what everyone tells you to do when you’re trying to lose weight. Perhaps this is why it’s not settling well with me. But I’m going to give it a shot. The worst that can happen is I gain a couple of pounds when I was expecting to lose. It’s nothing new.

So 2 weeks. I will continue on, with the addition of eating more food instead of less. And I’ll see what happens. It’ll either be complete bullshit, or it’ll actually work.

*Just to clarify, I’m not stuffing my face with empty calories either – like ho-ho’s or whatever. The tool I’m using will actually keep track of the calories, as well as the fat, protein, fiber and carbs I’m taking in as well. I’m working to try and get a nice split in my intake, of 25% protein, 35% fat and 45% carbs – and trying to get at least 35g of fiber every day. That last one I’m failing miserably at – I have to figure out how to get more fiber in my diet without adding in a whole bunch of fat. For some reason, the two seem to go hand-in-hand.