My “fitness” section has long been empty. Not because I’m not doing anything, but mainly because I didn’t really know what to say about it. I’ve actually been doing something since October, but I haven’t seen fit to really write about it.

Today, I have decided to do so. Why? I don’t know. I think because health really matters – especially when you’re on your own, running a business from home, etc. A recent thread on Ravelry has made me see that the things that I think I’m doing wrong…well I’m not the only one who feels the way I do about myself and how I’m handling things. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

I cannot cover all of my issues in one post. Well, okay….I can, but it would make this post monster-sized – even too large for me to handle. So I’m going to take it in chunks (pun intended). So what I’ll simply start with is me, a little about my weight issues, and a little about my life. I think that would be a good starting point to see where I’m coming from, and give you some background on why things are the way they are. Hopefully, if you’re coming here and recognize yourself, you’ll get some help out of this. Alternatively, if you’re coming here thinking that “fatties are lazy and overeat – get off your ass and do something,” this will change your perspective. (And thirdly, if you’re the latter person and you’ve come here to flame me, I do log IP addresses, I do not tolerate trolls, and if you insult me, it’ll just be deleted, and don’t think you’ll affect my day either. I have no tolerance for even thinking about assholes like you.)

Quick background: I do not see myself as fat. When I dream, I am not fat. When I see myself in my head, I am not fat. Even when I look in a mirror, I realize I’m overweight and could stand to lose a few pounds, but I do not see myself as “obese” or anything supremely huge. The only time I can actually see myself as others see me is if someone takes a picture and shows it to me. Then I am staggered.

I think the reason for this self-perception is that, for most of my life, I have not been fat. I have been average-to-curvy. My senior year of high school, I had the measurements all women seemed to die for: 35-25-35, and weighed in at barely 135. I wore a C-cup. I am, however, short -5′4″. I wore a size 6 to 8. I was also very active – I was a sprinter on the track team (I love to run), and I was also one of those “dancers” that was with the marching band. You know, the girls in the spangly bathing suits with go-go boots and fringe. One of those. I was never fat.

I had a child when I was 21. I put on baby weight – brought myself up quite a bit. But only a year after having my daughter, I lost nearly most of it. I found myself, as late as 1998, weighing in at 155 pounds. Overweight, according to most BMI scales, but the additional weight actually really looked good on me. At 135 I looked almost emaciated – but with the extra 20, I was smokin’ hot (and I don’t say this as someone who is conceited, I say it because of the many times I would simply walk down the street and notice people noticing me). I loved the extra – BMI be damned.

In the span of a single year – summer of 1998 to 1999, I put on a LOT of weight. That was a bad year for me. I was depressed, and I had major personal issues going on at the time (which led to the depression). All I did that year was go to class (I missed some because of the depression) and a lot of times in my off-time, I just cried, ate and slept. I was put in medication and exacerbated the problem. By the end of 1999, I had put on another 70 pounds.

I was only on medication for about 4 months. (Haven’t been on it since, by the way.) I got engaged in 2002, and proceeded to drop the 70 pounds in the year before my wedding. Again, I kept it off – until I got pregnant a few months after getting married. Back came the baby weight – and I got pregnant again before i could lose it. Double whammy. My son was born in 2004, my daughter in 2006.

So all told, I’ve only been overweight for about 27% of my lifetime. Which is why, I think, I don’t see myself as fat. In reality, this weight is new to me, and I’ve had issues dealing with this “new body.” I think age also contributes to things. I know after 30, your metabolism gets really sucky, and even when I exercise, I can’t lose weight as easily as I could back when I was younger.

And the really sucky part (here’s where you fat-haters will scoff) is that I do eat right, and I do exercise. And for the last year, it seems like it’s not working at all. I will get to this in another post and explain it in full, but right now I will tell you that the reason it’s not working is because I’m eating like I weigh 135 pounds. What I need to do to lose this weight is actually eat more. It’s a concept that is flipping me out, because it goes against everything we are all told to do.

Anyway, that’s a bit of my back-story. I figured it was good to share that, so you would know where I was coming from. I will do a follow-up on this, and let you know what I’m doing (and have been doing), and what my doctor’s input is on all of this, as well as some of my own investigations.

As a side note, to any of you that have opinions on all of this, I really do welcome them. I’d love o hear your advice, experiences – all of that kind of thing. However, I will stress again: trolls are not tolerated. My definition of a “troll” is someone who contributes nothing to the conversation at hand, and only leaves shit and insults behind. I have no problem allowing posts to come through that I don’t agree with – as long as it adds to the discussion. But insults and idiocy will not be tolerated here.