I really do like the P90X stuff, however, it’s tiring. Not in “well, DUH, it’s exercise” kind of tiring, but in the repetitiveness of it. That, and the fact that pretty much everyone I know who’s on it has dropped weight like crazy.

Except me.

I’ve actually gained weight.

Now, before you tell me “muscle weighs more than fat” and I should take measurements – I have. I have patiently been waiting for that miracle everyone keeps whispering in my ear – that initially, the scale might go up (see cliché above), but they’ve all told me I should see something – anything – between days 60-80.

We’re on day 70-something, and guess what? I’ve gained 5 pounds, and my measurements have not changed.

And now I have people telling me that I must be doing something wrong – not counting everything I eat, or not “bringing it” with the exercise.

Well I admit – the last couple of weeks, I’ve stopped the P90X (because I feel like I’m doing a crapload of work for nothing), but I’ve been running every day. So it’s still exercise. And still. nothing is happening. I’m still in my size 22 jeans, still have flab all over the place, still look the same.

If I have to explain to one more person that I am doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing, and they tell me I must not be, I’ll punch them in the face.

I have never been more frustrated about this than I am right now. I’ve been working my ass off since mid-February, counting calories like crazy, watching everything I do, forcing myself to exercise on days I don’t want to – and NOTHING has changed. Nothing. I’m exactly like I was back in February when I started.

I now have slightly less than one year to lose the weight I want to lose. I’m using next year’s anniversary gift (a trip to Europe) as my motivation. I don’t want to be walking through the streets of Santorini looking like a “typical fat American slob” and wondering how many people I gross out just by being present. I want to go and enjoy myself.

I’m so tired of being judged.

I should be down at least 10 pounds by now, and nothing.

I just don’t understand.

And don’t get me wrong – I love my sister to death (who’s not down to a size 5 jeans), but she’s so damn perky about the whole thing. I love her, and I’m glad she’s there for me, but I don’t think she “gets” this. She tells me I need to log my food (I do – just not online) and just “push through this” – but I’m just so tired of pushing. I mean, really – if you stand there and push on the Great Wall of China for years, it’s still not going to freaking move. At what point do you give up?

I feel like giving up – this is crushing me. But I don’t want to – because something has to work. It worked before, once. I don’t understand why it’s not working now. And this is really the first time I’ve whined about it – because I feel like whining about it makes me sound exactly how I feel.

I do like P90X. I do feel great while I’m doing it. And I like feeling great. But something’s not right here. I just wish I knew what it was.