Well, it’s been an odd month, that’s for sure. I think some of why I was so distracted is why things have gone downhill. In the last month, my weight loss has gotten off-track. I’m supposed to see my doctor for a checkup next week, and I’m too disappointed in myself to go. I haven’t lost anything. In fact, I’ve gained 5 pounds back. Which totally sucks. However, the odd thing is, I’ve been taking my measurements, and I’ve lost in my boobs and butt. I’m down yet another clothing size.

I’ve also been seriously distracted when it comes to work. I cannot focus. It seems like everything is coming down on me all at once – and when that happens, I tend to just “run away” and do something else. Avoidance.

I’d also like to say it’s funny – when you decide to crack down on yourself and get things in order, the universe seems to toss everything it can at you to upset your progress. WTF is up with that?

I was on a huge, long drive yesterday – we had to go to Pennsylvania and back to get my daughter for her summer visitation.

(As an aside: PA Department of Transportation. WTF is WRONG with you people? I drove for 15 miles, at 5-10 miles an hour, on the interstate in a line of traffic that was a gazillion miles long on a single lane because some fucker in your department forgot to remove the barrels from the road over the weekend. There were NO WORKERS, there was NO EQUIPMENT, there were NO SIGNS, and there was FRESH PAINT on the road, showing that the project was fucking FINISHED. And someone forgot to take the barrels off the road. A typical 10 hour trip – with 2 screaming children in the car, one of which was still potty-training – took us 13 HOURS. I HATE YOU.)

Okay, I couldn’t pass that up. Vent over! Anyway…

So while we were in the car, my husband and I had the unusual circumstance where we could talk to each other. (Thanks to the PA DoT, we had a LONG conversation. I’ll give you half a point + for that. But you’re still in the negative with me.) I’ve been holding in my issues because I felt like there was so much wrong, but I couldn’t even make it all make sense. So I’ve been chewing on stuff for a while without saying anything to him. I bit the bullet last night and just let it all out.

He just reminded me why I love him so much.

I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet, but things are a little clearer now that I’ve gotten it out of my head and out there – which always seems to help, but I always seem to forget. Basically, my dilemma is this: Should I quit my job?

I’ve never quit a job I liked. I’ve quit jobs before, but I always had a good reason. Said reasons usually involved your standard reasons: asshole boss who treated you like a dog-poop mat, being underpaid, sexual harassment, etc. This time, it’s not the case. I am the boss this time. And I love my job. I adore what I do. I cannot tell you how much I love it. Even when I’m stressed out over clients, I still love it. I’ve often had feelings that maybe I should quit, but I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I did. Plus, I’ve put SO MUCH time and money and effort into this business – it feels like giving up if I quit. It feels like a waste.

BUT…

My home life is being affected. I’m a workaholic. I get so excited by stuff that runs through my head that I cannot discipline myself into keeping set hours. Passion (and damn good ideas) does not occur between the hours of 9 am and 5 pm, Monday through Friday. My youngest kids are at the age now where they really need me. I’m so tired of saying “In a minute, honey – mommy is working.” And there’s just so much stuff i want to do that’s NOT work-related, and I cannot, because work consumes everything.

So I started thinking of it like a drug addiction. My work is my drug. I love it, and I don’t want to give it up. But it’s affecting everything else in my life, and leaving me to feel empty inside – unless I’m doing it.

So hubby has helped me a bit by making suggestions. He thinks I should finish up the last 2 projects I have in my queue, and just not do ANYTHING work-related for the entire summer. If it works out well, and I am happier, then he thinks I should quit. He’s even offering up suggestions on how I can return at a later date (or just stick solely with one client that gives me light work very now and again so I’m not totally out of the loop.)

But that’s where I’m at right now – with a seriously supportive and loving husband, and trying to figure out if this truly is the right step to take. I went on sabbatical to try and figure out how to make my business move along better with my life – and it’s surprising to me right now that the road doesn’t seem to lead in that direction. It’s a little confusing… but at the same time, the idea is very refreshing, liberating, and tempting.

From the group, I understood the basis of the book was not “wish for something and you get it,” as I see a TON of people reporting it to be. That’s a misconception – at least from the experiences I was involved in. The basic idea – again, for this group – was that yes, you wish for something. But you don’t sit back and wait passively for it to come to you. You make it happen for yourself. And by stating that “wish,” and proceeding to open yourself up to watch for the situations and opportunities that present themselves so you can actively play a part in making that wish come true, it will.

It was based on the idea that there are no coincidences, and sort of “the butterfly effect,” that every decision you make and every action you take sets out a ripple in the world that affects everyone and everything in it – which is something I already do believe happens. I think the “wish making” (otherwise known as “setting your intentions”) is sort of a psychological thing, you telling yourself in an authoritative manner that this is what you want, and by God, you’re gonna get it. The action of making that intention tangible sort of tells your brain that this isn’t some random thought in your head, or a dream that will never come true, and it sort of steels your nerve to make it happen for yourself.

I just wanted to give you that little bit of back-story there, so you understand I’m not just “wishing” for stuff and waiting for it to happen. I’m more of the “wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up faster” camp.

I did pretty well on the challenge, when I participated. Not as well as I’d wanted to, but I did all right. Unexpected things did happen, and made me believe that when you set your mind to it, and open your eyes to watch for those opportunities, things do happen. You make your own luck. It was fun to try it in a short span of time and actually see it occur.

So. Here I am. I am not advocating “The Secret,” (again, I’ve never read it, and don’t care to) I just wanted you to know the basis of what I’m about to share with you.

I’m going to do the challenge again.

I’m not doing it with the group I was involved with before. The ladies that run the group are…. well they’re nice ladies. Very enthusiastic. But I’ll put it this way: I’m NOT a morning person. I have my days (and no, not just when I’m PMSing) where I’d like to tear someone’s head off. It’s kind of annoying to hear the soothing voices of the Holy Trinity there tell me that I’m pissed because it’s my fault I let someone piss me off. Whatever. Some days I must cave into non-happy moods, and wallow in my failures. That’s called life. And I am NOT an over-sensitive-to-others kind of person, either. I believe in the Golden Rule. Some people don’t. The people that don’t tend to not get me. The people that do do. Those are called friends. If you’re not my friend, I really don’t care what you think.

“The people that mind don’t matter, and the people that matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss

So, I’m not joining in with that group of people again. But I will be doing this for myself.

Now I’ve tried to start this 100 Days Challenge on my own before, and I usually fail at it – typically I’m good for the first week or so and then next thing you know the whole 100 Days has blown by and I’m sitting there like “Crap. I missed it.” But I’m going to give it another shot. I am not going to promise myself that I will post something every single day. I already know I can’t make that (and my life isn’t that interesting anyway). But I can challenge myself to post something once per week. Surely something interesting will happen once a week, right?

But the main goal of this challenge, for me…. my “wish” if you will… is to continue on with a goal I’ve already set myself on, but have not fully realized my potential in attaining it: weight loss.

My doctor is happy with my progress (Have you ever seen a middle-aged doctor with a salt-and-pepper beard cheer? Yeah. I have. You can’t unsee that shit.) but he could be happier. I’m losing, but I’m losing v e r y s l o w l y. He thinks I can do better. I have another appointment in about 2 months (at the end of June), and I know he’d like to see around 20 pounds gone. Not necessarily exactly 20, but somewhere in that range. I’d like to surprise him with some semblance of success – because thus far, I’ve been coming to him every 3 months with around a 6-8 pound loss.

So, if I begin my challenge today, April 26, 2010, it will end on August 4, 2010 – with my checkup just after day 50, so halfway in. So maybe I can lose about 15 pounds by then – and roughly 30 by the time the challenge ends. That would be cool. That would put me at just barely 20 pounds over what I weighed on my wedding day, and only 35 pounds away from my goal.

Yes, I just did that annoying math for all of you to see LOL

Another goal I have is in regards to my business. I took a sabbatical this year to focus on the direction I want to go in for my business, and I haven’t done squat yet. All good intentions on the road to hell. So I want to focus more on my direction for that, so i can start the new year in full swing, and down the path I want to take.

So there we have it. Today is my Day 1. Let’s just see how this goes!