CandyBill » Family

Day 50

Shelly — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 14:05:15 +0000

Holy crap! Where’d the time go? Here I am, halfway through the 100 Days, and I’ve only posted twice. I’m terrible. I swear to God I thought I just posted last week, not last month.

Well, it’s been an odd month, that’s for sure. I think some of why I was so distracted is why things have gone downhill. In the last month, my weight loss has gotten off-track. I’m supposed to see my doctor for a checkup next week, and I’m too disappointed in myself to go. I haven’t lost anything. In fact, I’ve gained 5 pounds back. Which totally sucks. However, the odd thing is, I’ve been taking my measurements, and I’ve lost in my boobs and butt. I’m down yet another clothing size.

I’ve also been seriously distracted when it comes to work. I cannot focus. It seems like everything is coming down on me all at once – and when that happens, I tend to just “run away” and do something else. Avoidance.

I’d also like to say it’s funny – when you decide to crack down on yourself and get things in order, the universe seems to toss everything it can at you to upset your progress. WTF is up with that?

I was on a huge, long drive yesterday – we had to go to Pennsylvania and back to get my daughter for her summer visitation.

(As an aside: PA Department of Transportation. WTF is WRONG with you people? I drove for 15 miles, at 5-10 miles an hour, on the interstate in a line of traffic that was a gazillion miles long on a single lane because some fucker in your department forgot to remove the barrels from the road over the weekend. There were NO WORKERS, there was NO EQUIPMENT, there were NO SIGNS, and there was FRESH PAINT on the road, showing that the project was fucking FINISHED. And someone forgot to take the barrels off the road. A typical 10 hour trip – with 2 screaming children in the car, one of which was still potty-training – took us 13 HOURS. I HATE YOU.)

Okay, I couldn’t pass that up. Vent over! Anyway…

So while we were in the car, my husband and I had the unusual circumstance where we could talk to each other. (Thanks to the PA DoT, we had a LONG conversation. I’ll give you half a point + for that. But you’re still in the negative with me.) I’ve been holding in my issues because I felt like there was so much wrong, but I couldn’t even make it all make sense. So I’ve been chewing on stuff for a while without saying anything to him. I bit the bullet last night and just let it all out.

He just reminded me why I love him so much.

I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet, but things are a little clearer now that I’ve gotten it out of my head and out there – which always seems to help, but I always seem to forget. Basically, my dilemma is this: Should I quit my job?

I’ve never quit a job I liked. I’ve quit jobs before, but I always had a good reason. Said reasons usually involved your standard reasons: asshole boss who treated you like a dog-poop mat, being underpaid, sexual harassment, etc. This time, it’s not the case. I am the boss this time. And I love my job. I adore what I do. I cannot tell you how much I love it. Even when I’m stressed out over clients, I still love it. I’ve often had feelings that maybe I should quit, but I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I did. Plus, I’ve put SO MUCH time and money and effort into this business – it feels like giving up if I quit. It feels like a waste.

BUT…

My home life is being affected. I’m a workaholic. I get so excited by stuff that runs through my head that I cannot discipline myself into keeping set hours. Passion (and damn good ideas) does not occur between the hours of 9 am and 5 pm, Monday through Friday. My youngest kids are at the age now where they really need me. I’m so tired of saying “In a minute, honey – mommy is working.” And there’s just so much stuff i want to do that’s NOT work-related, and I cannot, because work consumes everything.

So I started thinking of it like a drug addiction. My work is my drug. I love it, and I don’t want to give it up. But it’s affecting everything else in my life, and leaving me to feel empty inside – unless I’m doing it.

So hubby has helped me a bit by making suggestions. He thinks I should finish up the last 2 projects I have in my queue, and just not do ANYTHING work-related for the entire summer. If it works out well, and I am happier, then he thinks I should quit. He’s even offering up suggestions on how I can return at a later date (or just stick solely with one client that gives me light work very now and again so I’m not totally out of the loop.)

But that’s where I’m at right now – with a seriously supportive and loving husband, and trying to figure out if this truly is the right step to take. I went on sabbatical to try and figure out how to make my business move along better with my life – and it’s surprising to me right now that the road doesn’t seem to lead in that direction. It’s a little confusing… but at the same time, the idea is very refreshing, liberating, and tempting.

Spring Fever

Shelly — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 21:10:58 +0000

Oh, I’m just in a mood to blab today. The winter seems to definitely be over with – it’s been in the 70′s for the last couple of days, and just perfect weather. I think I have spring fever, because I just cannot concentrate on work at all. All I want to do is clean the house and start working on the projects hubby and I have been discussing all winter.

I had jury duty this past week – got called in on St. Patrick’s Day. I swear, getting up at 5:30am should be against the law. I had to leave by 7 so I could make it to the courthouse in downtown Hartford by 8. I thought hubby was nuts to tell me I had to leave an hour early (when it usually only takes me 20 or 25 minutes to get downtown) – until I actually pulled onto 91 – and ho-lee shit. Wow. He was right.

I felt kind of bad because I got dismissed as a juror – but the Rav forums actually made me feel better about it. I know it sounds ridiculously stupid (and Mike thought I was nuts for being even the slightest bit upset that I was dismissed), but I generally pride myself on the ability to be objective and fair. But as the process went on, I discovered the trial was based on a subject I knew fairly well, and I had a bias on. I knew that even if I stayed on the jury, and I knew I would be able to listen and be fair, I would still be biased, so I said something. I hoped I wouldn’t get dismissed for it, but I did, and it stung just a little. I guess I never thought I was the type of person to have bias on something when it had nothing to do with me.

30 Seconds to Mars

That aside, I’m a little hyped because I’m getting ready to do something amazingly fun. There’s so many things involved that are fun, and putting them all together just means it’s going to be something really memorable and exhaustingly… fun. Number one: I’m going to go to a concert. I’ve not been to many concerts in my life, but every time I’ve gone, they’ve been incredibly fun things to attend. There’s nothing like seeing something live. I love to watch football, basketball, baseball, etc., games – but not on TV. All of that commentary and commercials and stuff – it just takes something away from it. But going to something live just turns it into something else. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s not a band that I would consider myself to be a “fan” of – it’s a band I do like, but I’m only familiar with a few of their songs. (So I went to iTunes and downloaded both full albums they have to get better acquainted with them – and so far I’m glad I did.) But that, in and of itself, is just going to be fun.

The Number Two to this fun-filled evening is that the concert is located in a) the House of Blues, and b) in Boston. I’ve only been to Boston once – the fam’ took a trip to the aquarium up there one weekend and it was really cool. Very nice town – at least what I saw of it. So I’m really excited to be able to go see it again. And I’ve never been to a House of Blues before – so this combo seems a little “epic” for poor li’l ol’ me, who doesn’t get out of the house much and just hears about these wonderful places and things.

And the Number Three – the cherry on top – is that I get to go with my sister. Now, you may know that I live far away from my roots. I’m originally from West Virginia, and all of my family is back home. Except my sister – well, the one closest to me in age – she moved away a long time ago to Pennsylvania and has lived here for many years. I now live in CT, and my sister lives pretty much exactly halfway between me and my parents. So she’s still pretty far away from me, just in the opposite direction from where I used to go.

My sister is my BFF – I love her to death, and I just don’t get to see her often enough. She’s a bona fide fan of 30STM, and she got the tickets the day before they were actually set to be on sale to the general public (because she’s a member of the fan club) – and Boston isn’t far from me… so we had no choice. So Boston/House of Blues, to see 30STM, with my sister. This is going to be mega-fun.

I’m also excited because – as mentioned before – I don’t get out of the house much. I run my own business from a home office, and I also take care of the house and raise my two kids. My standard garb is jeans and T-shirts, and the last time I wore makeup was… well to court the other day LOL, but other than that it was probably at my brother’s wedding last year. Even though I am also losing weight too, I still wear clothes that are 3-4 sizes too big because I never go anywhere, so I don’t see any point in getting new stuff, you know? But this is an exception. I’ve been planning.

It’s so geeky.

I’ve finally decided on my outfit, and I’m actually going to make the shirts I plan to wear. I’ve already ordered the fabric, and I cannot wait for it to get here so I can start on it. I’m making this wrap cardigan, which will be layered over this “grandpa” cardigan, which will be layered over a tank top. I got the idea from a British TV series called “Being Human” – and the ghost character wears this exact type of top ensemble. I loved it. I actually found the shop where you could purchase what she’s wearing, but wow. The wrap cardigan alone is about $150 – which was way too expensive. So I decided to make ‘em all. (and no – even though it’s 3 layers, it won’t be hot, I don’t think – it’s really, really thin fabric.)

I’ve also decided to not only get a great par of jeans to go with this, but to have them custom made for myself. Yeah – I’m not kidding. generally, you pay between $16 (Wal-Mart) to $60 (department store) for jeans – and the higher the price, generally the better they are. But I was actually pointed to a website – and it’s been highly discussed in a positive light from several people – where you can take your own measurements, send them in, and they will make a pair of custom jeans for you at a certain base price. The ones I want have a base price of $50 – which is in a “reasonable” range. There’s nothing like having something made to fit just you – so I’ve decided to splurge on them. Even though it’s not really splurging!

I’m also planning to top this whole yummy outfit off with a new pair of boots. Now, hubby will tell you, I’m a freak when it comes to shoes. I swear, it’s the only “female thing” I have that defines me as a female, as far as habits go. I’m usually quite the tomboy, and not a fan of things like handbags (like you could tell – ha!) jewelry, etc. But I flip over shoes. I don’t get boots that often, but when I saw this pair, I just thought they’d be perfect. Not only will they give me some height, but they’re shit-kickers, so they’ll be comfortable too.

So that’s where I’m at on this day, just before the beginning of spring. I’m all excited about the weather, the flowers, and getting to see my sister to have a hell of a fun time in April.

What are you up to?